The Attached Mother

Noise, noise everywhere and not a moment of peace.  I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  As I type this Bug and Bear are running around the house tied together by the straps of a mai tei sling.  Bug says he’s “Fluffy the dog” and Bear is shrieking with feigned fright every time “Fluffy” barks or growls. 

Bean?  Uh, hold on . . . ah yes, he’s playing with my wallet.   I won’t discuss what significance that has. 

This morning we went to the park. The sky was perfect in blue and white and the wind was blowing just enough to cool our faces as the sun and humidity did their thing.  I love to watch them play and explore.  Everything is new and fabulous and exciting.  Nothing is overlooked or taken for granted.

“Mommy, look at this rock!”
“Here’s a cool leaf!”
“Look how the water goes around that rock in the stream!”
“Mom-MEEEE!  The baby smells like a poopy diaper!”

Oh wait.

They never fail to point out their observations.

I never want them to lose their openness, their vibrancy and zest.  The noise will fade soon enough over the next two decades.  I never want my children’s spirits to fade and firmly believe that attachment parenting will help to keep their spirit as strong and bright as possible.

When people think of AP’ers and parents who practice gente discpline, they tend to get a mental picture of a sugary-sweet mom asking “little Johnny” if he feels like behaving well today.  They picture parents who will attempt to make their children happy at any cost to themselves or others.

This, my friends, is not attachment parenting, nor is it gentle discipline.  As a mother it is not my job  to keep my children happy.  It is not my job to shield them from every disappointment that comes their way.  It is not my job to give them a steady source of everything they want.

It is my job to understand my child; to see his point of view in each situation.  I have to be proactive by not putting my child into situations that he cannot handle.  To be a good parent, I have to understand my child’s limitations due to age and circumstances and not force my child to do things that he is not capable of doing.

The real difference between an AP parent and an authoritarian parent looks something like this:  The AP parent would make an appointment at a time when she knows her child will not be tired or hungry.  She will prepare for the appointment by bringing along appropriate things to keep her child occupied while waiting.  When the child complains, the mother will express understanding and sympathy that waiting is indeed difficult and offer pre-planned, appropriate activities to fill the time.  Before the appointment she has discussed appropriate behaviour with her child and her child knows what is expected of him or her and why that behaviour is appropriate.

The authoritarian parent might make an appointment at the most convinient time for herself, regardless of her child’s needs.  She would expect her child to sit quietly and not complain about the wait.  She would become agigtated with any misbehaviour and likely threaten punishment.  There would be no understanding of the child’s feelings or she would simply not care to see things from the child’s point of view.

So, maybe you’re a little more attached and gentle than you thought. huh?  Attachment parenting is not some group of exclusive parents who coddle their children.  We simply use common sense and kindness to raise healthy (physically and emotionally) children.  We aren’t perfect parents.  In our less than stellar moments, we might yell or spank.  We get irritated with childish antics just like the next parent.  We have an ideal, however, that requires us to overcome shortfalls and realize when the problem lies with us as parents instead of blaming our frustration on our children.  We believe that discipline equates to teaching and not punishment.

Have you ever gotten caught up in parenting by the book?  I have. 

As a new mother, I was so anxious to do everything just right.  Everything mattered.  Nothing was insignificant.  Did I make Bug’s diaper too tight?  He might lose faith in my ability to keep him comfortable.  Oh dear!  Did he just have peas to eat for lunch yesterday?  Oh no.  I can’t remember! What if I don’t give him a proper variety of veggies and he rejects them?  (As it turns out, that was a lot of effort wasted.)  And heaven forbid I should make a misstep on any AP practice. 

And then I had two.  I did not have time to be an anxious mom anymore.  Oh no, no.  I worried less about Bear.  He didn’t really have solids until he was 9 months and then as a toddler he ate frozen peas for dinner every night for months.  (And this one will eat any food we put in front of him.)  I did the right AP things but struggled to keep up with doing things perfectly by the book.  After a bout with PPD, I relaxed my standards and became a true attached mother, with extra energy to spend on children instead of using that energy to worry that I was doing things perfectly.

When number three came along, I had the AP thing down.  It all came naturally and I could finally say that I parented using common sense and that led me to fall under the category of attachment parent.  I just simply did the things that my mother instinct told me to do. 

Attachment parenting by the book is tempting for type-A personalities such as myself.  Relaxing is difficult.  Having more than one child will force anyone to relax, however.  You cannot expend energy and time on non-issues anymore.

Sure, every parent needs to know what babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and children truly need and work within those things, but the constant worry over the detriment of your child’s future if you dare to use a stroller or leave your baby with a grandparent over night is just not necessary.

Attachment Parenting is not permissive parenting.  Permissive parenting is not good for children or parents.  As an attachment parenting mother, I do not condone permissive parenting.  At the same time I do not support the “parent as king” type of mentality, either. 

I think parents often fear losing control over their children.  They fear the phases that children naturally go through will last forever.  With gentle guidance, children will learn proper behaviour and will outgrow those natural phases that can cause parents such worry.

Harsh discipline serves no purpose other than to help the parent maintain strict control of the child. I feel that it is my job to guide my children, to let them know ahead of time what consequences may occur if they choose a certain decision. It is also my job to know the circumstances that could render less than desirable behaviour from my children.  I should prevent those circumstances when possible while at the same time instructing them on how to overcome certain problems in order to feel peaceful.

Attachment parenting requires gentle discipline and gentle discipline is entirely possible when parents are proactive.

Baby Bean was born in January of 2006.  He is a complete bundle of sweetness.  As he nears toddlerhood (watch out now, he’s not officially a toddler until he’s 18 months, so don’t tell me otherwise unless you want to break my heart.) and I think back over the last 16 months it can only be summed up as sweet.

Bean is the youngest of my three boys and completes us for now.  In contrast to his brothers, he was not a high needs baby.  Well, maybe he wasn’t.  Maybe it’s that I’m more relaxed and have always know exactly what to do so he never really had to cry to get what he needed.

In fact, he was so content as a baby that he didn’t bother to let me know when he was hungry sometimes and fell off the charts at 9 months for weight.  His height dropped low on the charts, too.  Now, I know in the AP world, we don’t think to highly of the pediatric growth charts, but when your 9 month old weighs three ounces more than he did at 3 months, getting him to climb back up that chart becomes your passion.

And he’s climbing.  He’s doing great now.  Unfortunately, at 15 months he had a nursing strike that has turned into complete weaning.  For the sake of not rambling on in this post, I will post about that nursing strike later.  Let’s just say that for someone who nursed children for 47 and 27 months, having a 15 month old that doesn’t nurse is quite strange.

Bean is in love with his “bubbas” and looks forward to seeing them every morning.  If he wakes before they do he asks over and over, “Bubbas? Bubbas?”.

I love watching him grow and learn just like Bug and Bear.  It is incredible to watch his little personality form.

Born in September of 2001, Bear is my sweet Virgo. We share a birth month. 

Bear was born after 6 hours of labor.  Easy, by-the-book, hospital birth.  I asked for the epidural upon arrival and then proceeded to calmly breath through each contraction amazed at the difference between normal labor and back labor with a “sunny-side up” baby.  So, this is why women have natural births, I thought to myself.  Each contraction was incredibly painful, but when I wasn’t contracting, I wasn’t in pain.  Very nice. 

Bear cried our entire hospital stay.  He was a high-needs baby just like his older brother, but unlike his older brother he would allow himself to be calmed by daddy.  He also nursed for food and to relax into sleep, but no other comfort nursing was required for him.  I never experienced the 45 minutes on, 45 minutes off nursing like I did with Bug. 

Bear is an old soul.  When he was a baby, a friend made a comment that he looked wise.  And he did.  It seems he has always talked.  He has always just known things.  Music soothes him like nothing else will and certain songs make him cry. He is attached to “blankie” which he has slept with every night since he was a baby.

I had PPD after Bear was born and because of that and having to care for a spirited toddler, I had to drop my goal of perfect parenting and not be so by-the-book. I still practiced attachment parenting, of course, but in order to do that I had to change my idea that perfection was attainable.

Bear was a horrible napper.  Until he was 13 months old, I took naps with him because that was the only way he would nap.  Eventually he grew out of needing me at nap time.  It was then that I realized how much I cherished our daily naps together.  I realized how much I needed that quiet time when both boys were sleeping.  If I hadn’t had to lay down with Bear, I would have been running around, madly cleaning and scrubbing to make my house perfect.  Napping with Bear forced me to take time to recover from several major life events that happened to us around that time.

When Bear was 28 months old, his little brother was born.  Bear has been an excellent big brother and is very loving to Bean.

Bear will start preschool and soccer in September and cannot wait.  Bear will be four in September and believe it or not, he doesn’t know his ABCs completely!  Yeah, I’ve relaxed a bit.

Bug was born in August of 2001.  My first baby, he is.  While pregnant with Bug, I dreamed of the perfect life we’d have when he arrived.  I would be home with him each day; we’d wake up to the sun shining and dance around the living room while listening to Enya.  I’d dry his tiny baby tears, nurse him with ease, and teach him his ABCs before he was two years old.  Oh, yeah, I had it all planned. 

 After 42.5 hours of labor (the first 35 being rather agonizing until pitocin and fear took away my dream of a med-free birth) my little Bug was born.  Beautiful and perfect as I knew he’d be.  Um, yeah.  So, Bug turned out to be a little, ah, “high needs“.  Good thing for me that I had no experience with babies and thought that this was completely normal.  I did whatever would keep him from crying.  Attachment parenting came in handy there, of course.

Bug was an opinionated older baby and toddler, just as expected.  (And, yes, he could say and recognize his ABCs before his 2nd birthday. Hmph!) When he was 25 months old, his little brother Bear was born.  He seemed to adjust well, though his typical two year old behaviour made me a little crazy some days.  Because I was tandem nursing the boys, I felt like I was nursing constantly and had to set limits on Bug’s nursing.  He became demanding around 2.5 but took very well to limits as long as he knew what to expect.   

By the age of three, he was still nursing, attending preschool, and was a vibrant little boy.  Entertaining and full-of-life at home, he was (and still is) a bit shy around others.  He is incredibly charming, if I do say so myself.  And I do. 

He weaned just before his fourth birthday and was off to his final year of preschool.  I pretty sure he took one of Thomas’ friends to every.single. “show and tell Friday”.  Yeah, that sounds right.  Arthur, Bertie, Clarabel, Duncan . . .One for every letter of the alphabet.  Uh-huh. 

Last Autumn (or rather, last summer because we begin school here at an oddly earlier date each year.) he started Kindergarten.  I’d wanted to homeschool, dh was not on board.  So far, I have not regretted our decision. Bug will be in first grade in two months and cannot wait. Karate and soccer are his passions.  His first Tball game is tommorrow night and he’s excited, but nothing beats the excitement of karate and soccer.   

Bug is a cool kid and a great big brother.  We’re learning with him every step of the way.  

I knew nothing of attachment parenting when I brought my first son home from the hospital.  I knew “breast is best” and given that I tend toward the “natural”, I never even considered feeding him any other way.  Well, breastfeeding might be nature’s plan, but frankly, nature has a sick sense of humor sometimes. 

If I was going to nurse this baby, I needed some help.  So, I did what any mother of the 21st century would do when faced with a tough parenting issue.  I called the pediatrician.  Oh wait.  First, I turned to the internet.  While searching for information that might magically help my baby to latch correctly–or latch at all, really–I came across numerous attachment parenting sites.  I was not impressed.  Sure, I thought.  Attachment parents are the ones with the whiny kids in the grocery store begging for and getting everything they want.  No thank you.  I want my children to be independent adults someday.

Funny thing how we are so quick to judge and dismiss something we know little about.

As Bug grew and our breastfeeding issues were worked out my husband and I participated in some other baby parenting methods that I had no idea were actually endorsed by attachment parenting gurus.  Co-sleeping is one example.  I co-slept with Bug because it was easier to nurse at night and because having him so far away in his room, even with a monitor, just felt weird.  Bug woke at night, often, but the advice we received to let him cry-it-out alone in a crib seemed cruel.  When Bug cried, we held him. 

Imagine my shock after I joined several online communities and found that my baby parenting philosophies were those of attachment parenting.

Over the last 6 years I have gone from doing things the way my heart led me, to getting sucked in to doing things “by the book”, to dealing with issues that made attachment parenting very difficult to practice, to my current way of parenting with common sense and intuition.  A fellow AP mom internet friend of mine for whom I have great respect sports a signature blinkie that states:  “Too AP for some, not enough for others”.  And that is exactly how I feel.  I’ve found my AP comfort zone, the place that is right for my family and for me.