The Attached Mother

When I was a new parent and learning about attachment parenting, there were several websites that taught me so much.  Check them out:

www.askdrsears.com

www.naturalchild.org

www.mothering.com

www.attachedattheheart.com

www.gentlechristianmothers.com

Enjoy!

This week in the Attached Mother . . .

Find out what websites were instrumental in my decision to attachment parent.

How does life with more than one child work in the AP world?

Discipline or punishment?  Let’s throwdown!

I hope you all are having a great week.  My computer crashed just weeks before I was going to buy a new one, so I’m borrowing dh’s computer for a bit.  In other words, my time online is seriously limited.  Bummer! 

But, of course it was, right?  I completely forgot that Bug had basketball camp this week.  While he did that, I ran errands with Bear and Bean and tried to get my house in shape.

I’m ready for a weekend of doing nothing.  Oh, but wait!  Bug has a special karate training on Saturday.  Didn’t I just post about how having too many activities is a bad thing? LOL

Bean will be 18 months on Saturday.  I will have to consider him a toddler now, I suppose.  No more babies for us.  I felt choked when I passed the baby clothes at Wal-mart tonight.  I know that I don’t want more babies, for sure, but leaving behind that magical time is so hard.

Bug will be six in 12 more days–I know this because he keeps me informed every day of how many days are left. LOL  Bear’s 4th birthday will follow about 6 weeks later.  My babies aren’t exactly babies anymore.  Lucky for me they are still little, though.  They aren’t big kids yet.  They still need me and they still love to hug, snuggle and be kissed.  Every year I’m reminded to enjoy this time to the fullest because it is so brief.

Have a great weekend!

This Autumn, Bug will be in school, play soccer and take Karate.  Bear will be in preschool three mornings per week, play soccer and take dance.  Bug really wants to take a hip-hop dance class, but still wants to take karate, too.  Giving up soccer for Bug would like giving up air.  lol  My husband and I knew we had to draw the line somewhere.  How many activities should a 6 year old have before he has too many?  We both think two activities at a time is enough.

My feeling is that children need time to be unstructured and free to play whatever they want.  While Bug doesn’t really enjoy unstructured time as much as Bear, he still benefits from the downtime.  I do agree to fight boredom and obesity children should be active, but I would never say that they must be active in several activities at once.

Two activities per child works well for our family.  More activities or less may be better for other families.

What is your family’s policy on extracurriculars?

My 2.5 year old daughter is attached to a blanket she’s had since she was a baby. I don’t mind her having it at home, but it’s quite large and isn’t suitable for carrying everywhere.  She used to be fine in the car or away from home without it, but recently she’s decided she needs to take it everywhere.  It’s just too big.  Should I try to get her unattached from it?  If so, how?

Uh, yep.  Been there.  Bear will be four in September and still carries his beloved blankie around the house and sleeps with it every night. It’s really adorable. 

We ran into problems around two years old because he wanted to take it everywhere.  It is pretty big.  He agreed to keep it folded into a square when he was places like Sunday School or the grocery store.  Eventually he began to prefer taking a smaller comfort object (we bought one of those tiny little teddy bear heads attached to a tiny little blanket) outside of the house and now he only needs his favorite toy of the day, usually something small.

I don’t recommend that you try to break her attachment from it.   What about cutting a small piece of the blanket for her to take away from home?  Try other attachment objects if that is not a suitable solution.

I love talking about slings and baby wearing.  The facts about baby wearing are here. The different types of baby slings are here.

My favorite slings are the mai tei and the plain old over the shoulder ring sling.  I had both for my babies and used them for different occasions.

My babies didn’t like the ring sling as newborns and only the mai tei would work.  The mai tei was also more comfortable for me and allowed greater use of both arms. The ring sling, however, gave a more secure, to the side hip hold that I like for taking walks or pushing a shopping cart.

Little Bean is so darn independent that I’ve all but store my slings away.  I encourage all mothers, attachment parents or not, to try using a sling. You can get so much done, if nothing else sells you on the idea!

Maybe it will be a quiet week this week.  Maybe.  Heh.

T-ball is over, so really the only evening activity is Bug’s karate class.  I bring a book and leave the younger brothers home with daddy.  It’s quite relaxing for me and it provides time alone for me and Bug.

Other than karate and a big grocery shopping that will happen sometime around Thursday I’m pretty sure I can stay home all week.  Woohoo!  It’s nice to be a Sahm vs. a SICM or ’stay in the car mom”.

This week in the attached mother you’ll find tips on baby wearing options, dealing with attachment objects away from home and a debate on how much is too much when it comes to activities.

Have a great week!

Another week closer to school starting. Part of me is sad and the other part can’t wait. I’m awful, I know. Bug does love going to school, though. I can’t seem to keep him occupied enough some days.

T-ball ended last night and karate marches on. Bug has a basketball three days next week. Bear is very excitedly reminding me daily that he is going to play soccer AND go to preschool soon. He’s forgotten about dance classes, it seems. Hmmm.

On Tuesday we had a picnic in the park where I fell and twisted my ankle. *sigh* I’ve been hobbling around all week. The trip to the park was totally worth it, though. I managed to stay for another hour and we really had fun.

I’m getting ready to begin another school term. My last 15 hours of my BS. I can’t believe I’m finally this close to graduating.

Thank you so much for all of the comments on Child-led weaning. I really appreciate the participation. Isn’t there simply an endless list of debatable parenting topics?

Have a great weekend, all! I’ll spend mine painting and rearranging still. Oh, and propping up my foot for a few minutes at a time. LOL

Is child-led weaning right for you? I certainly didn’t start my nursing relationship with Bug thinking that I’d still be nursing him just weeks before his 4th birthday, but that’s how it turned out. The benefits to extended nursing are numerous and the reasons to use child-led weaning are outlined here.

My initial breastfeeding goal was to simply get through each day.  By the time Bug was 6 months old I knew I could make it to a year.  When he was around 10 months old, I read about the benefits of nursing a toddler and decided that I could nurse him until he was at least two.  By the time he turned two, I was determined that he would decide when to stop nursing.  When he was 3.5 I had a great desire to wean him. I created and read a story to him about a boy his age who weaned.  Bug was not interested in doing what the little boy was doing, however.  I continued to nurse him, at that point, about twice per day.

One day, two weeks before his 4th birthday, Bug nursed for the last time.  I don’t what day it was, I only know that he never asked to nurse again. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with Bean and I was still tandem nursing.  It was easy for me because I was still nursing Bear and assumed he’d also nurse for 3-4 years.  Imagine my surprise when he one day refused to nurse at only 27 months.  I was in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy with Bean at the time.  Even though I believe in child-led weaning I offered nursing to him several times before giving up.  I couldn’t believe he’d stopped nursing so young.

After Bean was born, I knew I had at least two years of nursing left. Shockingly, Bean had a nursing strike at 15 months, and despite my efforts to continue the nursing relationship, he weaned.  Child-led weaning was a huge challenge for me at that point.  I felt (and still feel) he was too young to wean, but nothing I did worked when it came to encouraging him to nurse again.  I have had to remind myself often that I practice child-led weaning and that means to me that the child decides when he or she is done nursing.

So, how do you feel about CLW?  What are your experiences with CLW?

Ask Allison

My five year old daughter sometimes yells that she hates me when she can’t do something she wants to do.  This really hurts me.  Are we doomed for a bad mother-daughter relationship? I can’t give in every time she wants to do something that she can’t.

My five year old son does the same thing to me from time to time. He also hates his basketball when it ricochets off of the goal and conks him in the head.  He hates green peas. He hates his favorite pencil when he presses to hard and the lead breaks. You get the picture.  Hate is a strong word and in some way helps strong emotions (or ‘big feelings’ as we call them in the gentle discipline world)  to be conveyed. 

Please don’t take it personally when your daughter screams that she hates you.  Really, she hates the situation.  She hates that she’s not allowed to *insert whatever here* and you are the only one standing in her way.  You’re the adult and have to continue to provide guidance for your daughter even when she can’t bear it.

Now, in our house we are teaching our boys how to be gentlemen.  Gentlemen generally aren’t in the practice of shouting “I hate you” and slamming doors. When my oldest son is overcome with emotion and rages at us we remind him that he is expected to be a gentleman.  He is allowed time alone to cool off, or time with us spent talking calmly. He can tell us exactly how angry he is and we remind him of the words to use when you want to express certain feelings. We also help him to understand what primary emotion he was feeling that led him to feel anger.

We certainly don’t follow a “happy is only acceptable emotion” rule in our home, but we don’t want our children screaming at co-workers or a spouse or children that they hate them someday.

Give her time, she will grow out of it if proper behaviour is taught and mostly importantly, modeled for her. 

Recently I read The No Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.  What a great book it is!  The No Cry Discipline Solution is filled with practical tips for gentle discipline.  It doesn’t read like a typical parenting book with lots of “This is what I believe”, but instead like a handbook for discipline.

The solutions are easy to implement and throughout the book the reader is reminded of what children need from their parents and are given the child’s point of view.

Sometimes when we are in the thorough of a discipline situation we forget to look outside of our feelings of frustration and annoyance to see beyond the behaviour and get to the cause of the problem.  The No Cry Discipline Solution helps the reader to remember that children are not little adults, but children.

The Monday Manifest

Today will be another busy one.  When are they not?  Sunday was fairly mellow, I can’t complain.

Let’s see, first we’ll take the dog to the vet to check out some skin issues she’s having.  She been to the vet every month for four months now. She’s an 8.5 year old Golden Retriever and our first baby. I can call the vet with a “Hey, it’s Allison calling about Abby” and they know exactly who I’m talking about. Luckily, Abby loves going to the vet.

After we drop her off it’s straight to the boys’ dentist appointment an hour away.  They are building an office close to us so hopefully in six months I’ll be able to make this appointment with a ten minute car ride!

After we grab some brunch it’ll be back to the vet to pick up Abby, brief quiet time for those who did not sleep in the car. LOL  A quick dinner and t-ball game will finish the day.

At some point today I must remind myself to make Bean’s 18  month well visit.  Who wants to bet that I forget it . . . again?

On Tuesday, I’ve got another parenting book to tell you about!  On Wednesday, learn why I don’t get upset when my child says he hates me.  On Thursday we’ll debate child-led weaning.

Have a happy Monday!

Another fast week here.  We went to the zoo on Tuesday and the boys had a blast. It was a million degrees, but they didn’t seem to mind.

Today I thought about one word to describe each of my boys.

Bug can be summed up by the word  “bright”.  Of course, he’s smart but more than that he’s so alive, so vivid.  He’s alert and reactive. He bright, he’s a star.

Bear is joy.  Maybe it has something to do with his being the first baby after a pregnancy that ended at 13 weeks.  He is easy-going and doesn’t make waves.  He’s cheerful but not exuberant. He is my joy.

Bean is sweet.  Complete sugary sweetness and light. Cuddly and snuggly. Yum!  He’s a go-getter for sure. He’s an explorer who always comes around for hugs after he’s checked it all out.

So tell me, what one word describes your little ones best?

What makes a large family?  Can parents with many children practice attachment parenting?

For me, anything more than three children is a large family.  I simply cannot imagine throwing another baby into the mix here.  Adoption of an older child someday, maybe, but any more biological children and I would be stretched past the limit.  Other moms, though, are more flexible and may have less responsibilities away from the family that would allow even five or six children the same amount of individual time that my three receive.

Then there is the question of whether or not individual time is even as necessary as we think.  If the children are spending quality with you and with their siblings, do they need daily or even weekly individual time with you? I like for my children to that have time so that I can get to know them better. With anymore children, I’m not sure how that would happen.

Anyone reading this have a family of four or more?  How do you do it?

What do you folks think of the buddy system in really large families where an older child is assigned to a younger one to help in the daily care of the younger child?

My daughter is 14 months old and I have to return to work. How can I keep a healthy attachment with her while spending so many hours away from her each week?

First, give up any guilt you might feel for going back to work. It will burn up energy that you could be using to optimize the time you have to spend with your daughter.  

If your daughter is still nursing make sure that you have a special time for that bonding each day.  Wake a little earlier for a quiet morning nursing or spend a little time every afternoon when you get home in a quiet nursing session.

Co-sleeping at night will help to continue your attached relationship.  

If you find that you are running to pick her up from her place of child care only to spend the next hour frantically running errands before going home to a chaotic evening, leave her at daycare a bit longer (if possible) and take care of your errands first.  You’ll be able to do them faster without a baby in tow affording you more time to bond after you pick her up. If you can’t bear to be away from her any longer than you have to be, utilize your sling for some hip time. She’ll love being close to you after being away from you while you work. 

Get a slow cooker if you don’t already have one and you’ll be amazed by how much time you’ll find in the evenings.

Keep her bedtime routine in place.  Read to her while she’s playing in the bathtub and you’ll get two things done at once.  

Most of all don’t fret that working outside of the home means you can’t practice attachment parenting.