The Attached Mother

Bug made the A honor roll!  Yesterday was his first report card for the first grade. Of course, we didn’t doubt that he’d do well because the work he’s brought home has had good marks.  However, he did make a few careless mistakes on two papers that landed him with an “F” on one and a “C” on the other.  I wasn’t sure how they would pull down his average.  He wound up with his lowest report card grade of a 95 in that subject (language).

We are super proud of him, of course.  I know that right now it all comes easily.  By the fourth grade when there is a ridiculous amount of homework and tougher subjects it will take a lot more from us all.

I bet you’re wondering why on earth an attachment parent like myself would care so much about grades?  I support homeschooling and unschooling, especially.  I am an idealist and wish the whole world would take on the ideals of unschooling.  However, they haven’t yet and I am preparing my children for the rat race of the world they growing up in. I want them to have a competitive spirit.  I want them to want to be at the top of their class.  I want all that school outside of the home offers for them.  And when they are adults, if they want to leave that rat race behind, they will have been taught the idealism that I so strongly believe in.  They will know that other ways of life exist. They will know that the fast paced, competitive life is not the only way to live.  But if they choose that fast paced life, they will be well prepared for it.

My favorite home school blog.

Why can I not paint without getting paint in my hair?  I guess it’s for the same reason that I can’t paint without brushing again the wall at some point, creating a smudge and ruining my shirt.

I’ve been decorating the boys’ rooms.  Bug has a lovely blue room with a Thomas and Friends theme.  Bear has a green room with a Sponge Bob Theme.  Bug’s room looks like sky and Bear’s like water.  They love it.

We’re also in the process of “changing clothes”.  This time of year it begins to be cool in the mornings and warm in the afternoons.  It requires Fall/Winter clothing to start the day and Spring/Summer clothing to finish it out.  Very frustrating for me!  I have the Fall/Winter clothing hanging and the Spring/Summer stuff folded in laundry baskets.  Hopefully within the next three weeks we’ll be completely in our Fall/Winter “stuff”.

Well, this week is quickly coming to an end.  Today is report card day for Bug and Bear and Bean have preschool. We have soccer all day Saturday and no plans for Sunday.

It’s been a great week.  With Bug’s time off from school on Monday and Tuesday we were able to enjoy some one-on-one time.  My husband took off work yesterday and today and the boys had a blast playing soccer and “horseplay” with him.  It’s just been an easy-breezy week.  I hope for more like these before the rush of the holidays hits us again.

Check out this video contest about what’s great about homeschooling.

Last week my six year old came in from a soccer game and sat down at the computer.  I had already told him on the way into the house that it was time to eat dinner and then get ready for bed.  I reminded him that it was not computer time and that he needed to eat or get ready for a shower.  He replied with “Whatever.”  I walked over to turn the computer off and told him again that he needed to eat or take a shower.  He got up and said, “Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever!” and went to his room.  I took away computer privileges for the next day and we continued on with our evening.

Now, many gentle parents would say that what I did was punitive.  In fact, I do feel that it was.  I don’t feel that his behaviour (very typical six year old sassiness) should have gone uncorrected, but after much thought and the with the advice of several others moms who have been through this stage before I feel that I could have handled it differently.

I could have taken the  “Playful Parent” path.  Upon the first whatever I could have walked over to him and “hugged away the whatevers”.  He would have laughed and not felt threatened.  I should have taken that opportunity to remind him of the correct way to speak to others.

I could have asked him to “try again” and given him the correct words to say instead of “whatever”.

Because he did get off of the computer I don’t feel that taking away computer privileges was a good logical consequence. We have already discussed what will happen if he does not stop using the computer when “computer time” is over.  He has never given me a problem with stopping computer use at the right time.

The next day we talked about why I took away his computer privileges and about the correct way to talk to others.  I allowed him to use the computer and have not since had any problems with him speaking to me in that way.

I think sometimes parents feel threatened by the words or way or speaking that children might use.  Instead of taking the opportunity to teach them the correct way to do things, we are quick to dole out the punishment in order to prevent future issues.  It doesn’t work, though.

Be sure that you are modeling appropriate responses for your children.  The next day I found myself irritated by something on television and I muttered “Whatever” and turned the TV off.  It dawned on me that this was not the first time I’d done something similar.  Perhaps, between my behaviour, seeing his friends at school doing this and anything he might have picked up from a kids’ show on TV, he saw nothing wrong in replying with “whatever”.

This post is interesting!  I can’t wait for the follow up.  Fwiw, I agree.  Why can’t he write his own excuse?

Have you seen Hathor the Cow Goddess? If not, take a peek and the funniest mom . . . er, cow? you’ll ever meet.  Hathor the Cow Goddess, a superhero who makes milk, takes on mainstream parenting with a dash of humor and common sense.

Heather Cushman-Dowdee is the artist responsible for Hathor the Cow Goddess.  Heather is an artist in LA and has written books and articles about attachment parenting.

Here is an article by Heather in Families for Conscious Living.   While I don’t always agree with her methods, her approach is “be the change you want to see in the world” and I like that.  She doesn’t mind the looks, stares and whispers as long as she is showing other moms and dads how to more peacefully and naturally parent their precious children. While she touts a “this way is best” attitude that can be seen as abrasive to some, her heart is in the right place and her passion is to be commended.

As for Hathor The Cow Goddess, she can be seen in comics ranging from the subjects of breastfeeding and childbirth to parenting politics and unschooling.  The archives date back to 2002 and there is plenty to read from the “natural” perspective of parenting.  Many attachment parents will find themselves giggle and nodding in agreement to the Cow Goddess’s words.

Hathor The Cow Goddess can also be found in books and a calender. Read about the unassisted birth of her Heather’s daughter Gwyneth here.

Check out our resident breastfeeding blogger here!

Sometimes I feel guilty because I have to split my time among my three beautiful boys.  There is never enough time to do all of the things that I want to do with them.  I try to give them as much individual time as I can.

During the week, Bug is in school and that allows me one on one time with Bear since Bean is still too young to do more than be along for the ride.  We read, play and eat together.

Every Monday morning while Bear is at preschool Bean and I hang out together.  Yesterday we ran errands and then went to the park.  Watching him play without his brothers around is fun.  He has no one to keep up with and gets to spend as much time as he wants on each activity.

It’s a little more difficult to carve out time alone with Bug.  He’s in school all day and weekends are not only shared with his brothers, but we have lots to accomplish.  Last Friday night I decided that it was time for a mommy/ Bug sleepover.  We piled into the guest bedroom to read books and watch TV and talk, talk, talk.  Granted, he was tired from the busy week and ordered “light’s out” by 8:15. (yeah, the kid doesn’t skimp on sleep! He regulates himself very well in that department.).

It was wonderful to have that time with him, uninterrupted by the needs and requests of his brothers or the other demands that I face during the day.  It let him know that even though he has to wait his turn or face disappointment at times because he is not an only child, I still want to spend as much as time as I can focusing only on him.  We’re planning another sleep over soon.

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Here is an interesting post about being a slacker mom.

Are you a martyr or a mother? Be honest! I think many of us attached types find ourselves falling into the martyr trap. It’s so easy to do. You just want the best for your children and since they were given to you, only you can do what’s best for them.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in the ideals of attachment parenting that we try to uphold each and every one to the detriment of our own health and sanity. Okay, so I’m speaking for myself, but I know I’m not alone. When I learned to relax and stopped attempting to do everything, I became a better parent. My attachment to my children became more natural and less about what rules I must follow to be an attached mother.

Relax and live in the moment with your children. Take a break when you can. Don’t take on too many outside activities if your child needs you more at the time. Don’t feel guilty if you need to leave your child with a trusted care-taker while you do something for yourself.

Take care of you so that you can take better care of your children!

On the flip side, don’t let others convince you that you need to leave your child if you are not feeling burned out.  You know if you need time away.  In the same way that you should not feel guilty for taking time when you need, you also shouldn’t feel guilty if others suggest that your child needs the socialization of a little day care or to spend more time with grandmother.  You know if your child needs those things or not.

Listen to yourself and your body.  Cutting yourself some slack will mean that your children have a happier mother. A happier mother translates into a more healthily attached mother.

And before I go. . .here’s a cute post.

What does attachment parenting look like for your baby when he or she is no longer a baby?  What do you do to keep the bond strong after your child has weaned, prefers to run free instead of being carried in the sling and maybe even sleeps in his or her own bed?

Gentle, positive discipline (which starts at birth) is the next step.  A continuance of the gentle way that you have already taught your baby by responding to his or her needs is imperative in order to maintain the relationship you have created.  Nothing makes me sadder than a gentle babyhood turned into punitive toddler or preschool years.

Discipline (which means “to teach” and does not mean “to punish” ) is of ultimate importance. It is our job as parents to teach our children about life and about which actions are acceptable and which are harmful to themselves and other.  This job can be accomplished through gentle discipline.

Detrimental to the attachment relationship and the emotional growth of our children is punitive parenting.  Children need to learn cause and effect and that every single action has either a positive or negative consequence or sometimes both.  Yelling and spanking are not necessary in order to teach our children and in fact may make our message to them lost altogether.

This is not to say that we won’t make mistakes and resort to reactive behaviors like spanking and yelling.  Filling the discipline toolbox with enough options can make obsolete the need and even the desire to spank and yell.

Next week I will post resources and ideas for filling your gentle discipline toolbox.

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If you haven’t checked out the Parenting Toddlers blog, please do!  Rebecca, mother of four (soon to be six!) has taken over the toddler blog.  She has a lot of experience and insight to share.

Last night after his soccer game, Bug received several compliments on his goalie skills.  (Yeah, he’s good :p)  He grinned and twisted his hair.  I told him to say thank you but he said (loud enough for us all to hear) “I’m too shy!”.  Everyone chuckled and I gave him a hug and we moved on.

Later I briefly wondered if I’d done the right thing by not insisting that he say thank you.  I came to the conclusion that I definitely had done the right thing.

Bug is not a rude child.  He says please and thank you regularly.  He is shy and having to speak to adults can be intimidating.  I have witnessed other parents forcing their children to say “please” and “thank you” or even to respond to a  “hello” from an adult.  I’ve seen children clam up and be near tears over a simple greeting.  What is the point of forcing a child into politeness?

I feel it is good discipline to remind a child to practice being courteous. I feel it is misled parenting to insist (much to the embarrassment of the child, the parent and the other adults involved) that a shy child be courteous.

Led by example!  When someone compliments you or performs a service for you, say thank you.  Use your manners and your child will see.  Be courteous and your child will learn how to be courteous also.

Reflect your child’s feelings.  Simply say, “I know you are feeling shy.  Adults can be intimidating.  Remember that being a polite person is something to be proud of.”  Let your child make the decision to be polite.  Remind them if they need it but don’t force them into courtesy.  It will backfire.

Another thing to consider is your own feelings. You probably feel embarrassed when your child forgets to say please, thank you or excuse me.  You feel it is a reflection on you and your parenting skills.  This might make you want to show that you DO, in fact, teach your child socially acceptable behaviour.  But, it’s not all about you.  You can make a lasting negative impression on your child by forcing them into politeness or you can be gentle with them and give them encouragement to try again next time.

Unrelated to my post, but still important, please check out this link.