The Attached Mother

This morning on The View, Whoopi Goldberg joked with Elisabeth Hasselbeck that she would be giving her a breast pump and that it is “the gift that keeps on giving.”  Funny and true.

It made me think of the breastfeeding mothers who are so dedicated to making sure that their babies receive breast milk that they pump when, for a variety of reasons, they cannot physically breastfeed their babies.

When my oldest was a baby we had latch problems.  I was determined that he should have breast milk instead of formula so I took out my brand new Medela and got to work.  It was awful.  I got about two ounces in 20-30 minutes.  Eventually he was able to latch on enough to get what he needed.

When I returned to work part time when he was six weeks old I would spend my short lunch break in the “nursing mothers’ room” pumping away.  I never produced much and three weeks later his daycare teacher was calling me at work asking me to come nurse him because he was going through 16 ozs in three hours. By the time he was 10 weeks old I had transitioned to working from home and put away my pump.

I didn’t bring it out at all for my second son and only once or twice (with the same pitiful results) with my third.

Mother who pump exclusively blow my mind.  What dedication!  What strength!  Working mothers who pump for their babies (sometimes in less than comfortable environments) are incredible.  Moms pumping for their precious preemies are extraordinary.

If you know a proud pumping mama, give her a pat on the back and let her know what an amazing breastfeeding mother she is! 

Recently on a message board that I frequent there was a post about the way that AP’ers tend to perceive any other type of parenting as harmful to children.  I like to call these sort of attachment parents “AP fundies”.  They remind me of Christian fundamentalists with their zealous preaching of the AP way and their judgment of other non-AP parents.  And just like the Christian fundies, these AP pushers are apt to turn other parents off from even the slightest interest in attachment parenting.

These parents have a genuine passion for attachment parenting and that is wonderful.  Attachment parenting can be difficult at times and that passion helps parents to carry on with their chosen parenting style come hell or high water.  Unfortunately, these passionate AP’ers also tend to feel sorry for any child who is not breastfed, co-sleeping, sling-worn, unschooled or, heaven forbid, not being raised by a stay at home parent.

These moms often find that having friends “in real life” is difficult because they can’t seem to get over the fact that one friend is a formula feeder and the other spanks her children and the next one can’t imagine co-sleeping.  Having a friend who is a working mother is out of the question because they couldn’t possibly have anything in common.

While there is absolutely nothing wrong and everything right with having friends who share your beliefs and values, writing off someone you barely know based solely on their parenting decisions is foolish.  These mothers lose opportunities to show others how well a healthy attachment can work because they isolate themselves with only like-minded parents.  Many parents don’t understand attachment parenting or how it works and especially how it looks.  The chance to show another parent that without having to engage in a conversation about parenting is priceless.

A tea party for Suri Cruise.  So sweet!

Little Bean is 21 months now and at that fun age where being outside is better than a bag of candy.  First thing in the morning he starts with “side? side?”.  If that doesn’t work he brings me his shoes.  Now that the mornings are colder I know he won’t be out for long before wanting to come back inside so I try to postpone our outdoor play until the sun has warmed our backyard.  When I finally open the door he rushes out into the day and immediately begins to explore.  Rocks, sticks, leaves and dirt are picked up and examined closely and, when he thinks I’m not looking, he may even attempt to get a taste of his treasures.

Moving their large muscles and burning off excess energy is very important for the health and growth of children.  I can tell when my first grader hasn’t had any time to play outside during his school day.  My younger two are crankier and restless and bored when they have not had adequate time outdoors.  Many times a tantrum from my toddler can be stopped immediately with the suggestion of going outside to play.

So what’s a kid (and a mom!) to do when the weather does not allow for outdoor play?  Get creative!  Turn off the television and engaged your child in some aerobic activities.  Do jumping jacks and run in place.  Collect rocks on a nice day and put them away to paint on a rainy or cold day.  Sit beside the window and play “I spy”.  Draw pictures of the beach or use craft sand to make beach pictures.  Play indoor hide and seek.

Keep those muscles moving and those minds busy and you can make it through a day or two of not being able to play outside.  As soon as you can, get them out of the house and don’t let a beautiful day pass without some outdoor fun!

Parenting under the snow! 

My husband and I live an hour from our nearest relatives.  When I was a new mother, I had very few friends who were also mothers and of those friends none were of the attachment parenting mindset. Breastfeeding my first son proved to be extremely difficult and excruciatingly painful.  Not a day went by that I didn’t want to give up until at last we got it right around 12 weeks after we started.

Most of my information about breastfeeding was found online.  I knew that there was a breastfeeding support group at the hospital where my son was born, but I was too proud to admit that I was having such troubles.  Why?  Well, breastfeeding is natural and I felt like the problems we were having with latching were some indication that I was not a natural at mothering.  Only my husband knew my struggles and even that embarrassed me.

I think the same thing happens with attachment parenting moms, sometimes, too.  Attachment parenting can be difficult.  We assume that if we love our children enough we will live a zen-like existence with them, meeting their needs calmly and efficiently, speaking to them in sweet voices and marveling at their free spirit as they test boundaries over and over.

When the days inevitably do not flow well and frankly you feel like turning your back on your tantruming one year old telling your seven year old and four year old to fend for themselves and walking right out the door, you instead suffer through and end up feeling like a failure or a bad mother because you ever had such feelings in regards to your precious little ones.  We’ve all done it.  If you haven’t yet and you have more than one child, someday you will.

Many of us don’t want to admit that these days happen.  Many of us don’t want to admit that they happen often. I believe the reason for that is isolation.  Many stay at home moms are alone for most of the day with several young children. When they do get together with other moms, many are not of the attachment parenting mindset.

When an exhausted new mom needs sympathy about her 9 month old who is waking throughout the night, her non-AP friends will tell her to try CIO because it worked for them and little Johnny has been sleeping through the night since 2 months old!  That’s not what the AP mom needs.  She needs moms who share her beliefs and parenting practices and have been in similar situations with their own children.  She needs moms who can talk her through the frustration and promise her that is life on the other side of her particular issue.

Unfortunately I have not found a lot of local attachment parenting support even through my La Leche League group. You might have better luck in your area and should give it a try. Another place to find local attachment parenting moms is through Attachment Parenting International.  Look through the MeetUp.com groups, also.

Since most of my AP support has been found online here are my favorite online communities of AP moms:

Gentle Christian Mothers
Mothering
Earth-Mother-Child

Carnival of Sahms 

I may have talked about this before, but I feel it’s an important subject to discuss.  We, in the AP community, tend toward a “crunchier” lifestyle at times.  This means that homeopathic remedies are preferable to medicine much of the time.  I agree with a natural approach and that the right combination of earthly food and supplements can create optimal health.  However, there is something that bothers me greatly about the refusal of many “granola” moms to skip the anti-depressants when there is clearly a problem.

Parenting is hard.  The amount of parenting it takes to raise the attached family is phenomenoly harder than usual.  We give, give, give and sure we get the joy of our families in return, but sometimes we also give out.  We are pregnant and nursing and tandem nursing and pregnant again.  Our weight is up and down.  We’re always in the practice of forcing ourself to respond in a way that might not be how we were taught as children.  It’s a lot of work.  With hormones rising and falling and washing to and fro and guilt and lack of sleep it’s absolutely no wonder that many of us end up depressed.

Many of us AP moms don’t want our children to be taken care of by anyone else and we find ourself solely  responsible for our brood day in and day out.  Many times we are stay at home mom and our husband are working a great number of hours to support a family on one income.  It’s not easy.

But when we find ourselves yelling at the children, wishing for a break or not feeling as connected to them as we’d like we often don’t even realize that depression has set in.  Once we do we reach for the extra vitamins or a tincture of this or that.  We try to practice yoga in the sunlight with children close by and wonder why we’re never really able to meditate.

I think we forget the purpose of attachment parenting sometimes.  I know we definitely forget–or don’t believe–that keeping ourselves emotionally healthy will help our children to grow healthy too.  For those of you who have found that a tweak in your supplements drives away your blues, then great!  For those who are relentlessly trying homeopathic remedy after homeopathic remedy and your depression or anxiety isn’t going away, go see a doctor.  Medicine is not completely evil.  Medicine could help you be the mother you know you could be if you felt well.

I feel that I’m getting a little preachy here so I will close.  I hope that some mother who is depressed and struggling to stay afloat in parenting will read this and get help.

And speaking of medicine.  Hmm . . .

So, cough medicine is bad for our little ones.  Not surprisingly, of course.  I have rarely given my children cough medicine because they haven’t *knock on wood* had bad coughs.  I do give cold medicine for stuffy noses, though.  It seemed to work.  Maybe I was wrong.  I likely won’t give it anymore since pseudo ephedrine is hard to find and the “new formula” really doesn’t seem to work at all.

I will look to more natural method of unstuffy-ing those little stuffy noses!

Saline nose drops (Little Noses makes one) works well.  It has a horrible aftertaste when it hits the back of the throat, though.  Also, have you ever tried to put liquid in your child’s nose?  If so, you have probably ended up covered in said liquid plus a generous helping of snot.  If the saline nose drops work for you and your child without unnecessary mess and trauma, then they are a great solution to cold medicine.  If not, there are a few other things to try. (Note, I’m speaking of saline nose drop and not medicated nasal spray.)

Vapor rub is another safe alternative to children’s cold medicine.  It clear up stuffy noses quickly.  Be sure to never put it in your or your child’s nostrils.  Use it on the chest and leave clothing loose.

Try a vaporizer with a little vapor medicine in the medicine cup.  Humidifiers trickle steam into a room and help to open the nose and calm a cough.

Give your child a warm bath or snuggle them in the bathroom while the shower runs hot and creates lots of steam.  Don’t put them in the hot shower, of course, but keep them close to the outside of the shower door so that they can get the quick effects of the steam.

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