The Attached Mother

Almost along a similar line as my post earlier, Parenting and Brain Development, I read a post on holding toddlers and the benefits and wanted to share. The post is at Pajama Mommy but is actually a guest post by Joanne Baum, PhD., LCSW of Respectful Parenting.

From the post “Pick Me Up Mommy” Ten Reasons to Hold Your Toddler:

They need reassurance that where their brains are taking them is safe. They need more explanations of the new encounters they don’t understand. And they need holding and nurturing so they feel safe and can go back out there and explore some more…

My personal favorite reason is #7 because you can apply that to more than just holding your toddler. Co-sleeping until the child is ready to move on, extended breastfeeding, and comforting their cries when they need it helps build a sense of security that grows. Despite the common myth that doing these things will prevent a child from becoming independent, what many see if a child who feels safe and therefore more comfortable seeking out independence.

Parents are feeding their child’s self-esteem, confidence, trust, and sociability by holding them when they ask for it.

Go read the rest of the list and then check out Respectful Parenting to see what other gems might be hidden there.

parenting, toddlers, attachment parenting, blogs, links

I mentioned last week that having support is a huge benefit to parents practicing attachment parenting. Unfortunately many people live in areas where there might not be a lot of local support for parents to have. Where I live most people have never heard of attachment parenting, or see it as something negative based on stereotypes rather than what it is for. That is why having an online support team can be a huge benefit. People who can give encouragement and advice from the same view point as you. One place where parents can connect with others is Attachment Parenting International.

Attachment Parenting International (API), a non-profit organization that promotes parenting practices that create strong, healthy emotional bonds between children and their parents, has several exciting changes they would like to announce, including:

• A newly redesigned web site and new logo at Attachment Parenting.org;
• Attachment parenting worldwide support forums;
• Parent Education Program - a comprehensive series of classes for every stage and age of child development from infancy through adulthood;
• A new book based on API’s Eight Principles of Attachment Parenting by API co-founders Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson which is expected to be available this summer;
• A series of podcasts, webinars, chats, and forums with API Advisory Board members and other supporters of AP. Future events are scheduled with Dr. Bob Sears, Dr. James McKenna, and Kathleen Kendall Tacket. Check out the events page for more information.

These are just a few of many exciting things going on at API. I hope you’ll stop by and check it out for yourself.

parenting, attachment parenting

Part of my post on Friday about Cry It Out for babies mentioned that their brains are changed by the stress hormones that flood the brain when crying. Thinking more about it over the weekend reminded me of a recent comic by Hathor. The comic dealt with the love hormones that are released during a normal birth and how those hormones are not being released when births are hindered. She asks what are the effects on infants who are born without this flood of hormones. Does it change their brains? Expand that out to the vast majority of people who were born in medicalized, hindered environments. What does that mean for society as a whole?

I am one who has always felt that Mother Nature knows what she is doing. That things evolve or change to be a certain way because it is beneficial, at the very least beneficial in that it does not kill too many of the population. The natural release of oxytocin during labor helps protect a baby’s brain during labor. The stress hormones from crying can damage a baby’s brain.

Research often shows that though children are born with all of the brain cells they will need the connections are not yet there. It is during the first 3 years of a child’s life that the majority of those connections develop. If the brain is flooded with stress hormones and deprived of love hormones, how does that effect how the child will grow? If an entire nature is full of people like this, how does the nation go? What does it mean for our future?

brain development, infants, parenting

Yesterday I read a great post called The Damage of Cry it out and Controlled Crying. Cry it out, or CIO, is one of the hot topic issues surrounding attachment parenting. Most are generally against it, feeling that leaving an infant to cry interferes with the bond and attachment between parent and child. Rather than teaching a child to sleep on their own, many opposed to CIO feel that this teaches the child that crying is useless and that their needs will not be met by their care givers. Some feel that the babies do not learn to fall asleep, but rather give up hope and surrender to being left alone at night.

This article looks at what happens long after CIO is used, on whether or not it affects the child well into childhood and the adult years. It is an interesting thing to look at. Of course most people step in with the “I was/did and I’m just fine.” However “just fine” is difficult to measure as it varies from person to person. One person’s “just fine” may be another’s miserable. I have also noticed that many people, when they feel on the defensive, will exaggerate to which ever degree they need. For example a person complaining about being unhealthy, when confronted with the possibility that their diet plays a part in that, will suddenly be “just fine”.

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A new website for attachment parenting and natural family living is under construction right now, but looks great so far. Closer to Nature is a new site being put together by Associated Content writer Heather B. Closer to Nature has a great collection of articles already on site on babywearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping, and more. The writers being collected are a very knowledgeable bunch with a lot of great information to share. And I’m not just saying that because my articles are being linked.

There is also a forum for Closer to Nature readers to go to and discuss parenting with like minded people. Or you can join in the chat room for real time discussion on attachment parenting and natural family living.

You can read Heather’s own words about her new site Closer to Nature here and get a feel for what this site will bring to the attachment parenting community online. If you are interested in having some of your articles shared on the site read the writing requirements first. Remember the site is still under construction, I am sure in the coming weeks there will be so much more coming on. I would love to see a Pipe created where readers can share their own AP/NFL posts via del.icio.us or a way to share favorite articles.

For a new site it still seems to have gotten off to a great start. I hope you all will check out Closer to Nature and the articles shared there yourself.

attachment parenting, natural family living, Closer to Nature, website, parenting, writing

To some people attachment parenting means following a set of rules like dogma. Many sometimes feel ashamed when they cannot follow every single tenet set out for them, and others practice what is in truth attachment parenting yet rail out against it because they see the label as something more than just a label.

But what is the point of attachment parenting, what are the goals? While things such as breastfeeding and co-sleeping are the tools we use they are not the whole  of what it entails.  Attachment parenting is more than just the sum of it’s parts. To Dr. Sears

“Attachment parenting is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents.”

It is following your instincts and your child’s cues, feeding their need for dependence so that they become more confident and independent, to show empathy in order to teach it, and to just do what is easiest for that family. The reasons why and the goals are all different and the tools used to get there vary. But what matters is the smile on their child’s face.

I loved this post I read over the weekend called Kitchen Love.  Not only is the photo at the top absolutely adorable, but the sentiments she shared are wonderful. She talks about being with them, really with them in eye contact and conversation and sharing. It is a prefect example of attachment parenting that doesn’t need the 7 rules. Just sharing precious time together rather than shooing them off to play shows the connection she has to her children. The goals are quite clear here.

So pull your little one up to the bathroom counter as you put on your makeup. Give her brushes and clips to play with, and have a little love-chat. Maybe one day, when she’s having a tough day 14 years later, she’ll seat herself up there.

attachment parenting, parenting

There are so many great books out there for AP parents to read. Some are great, some are good, and some aren’t worth your time. I have several personal favorites, books that I keep on my shelf and go back to time and time again. I thought it would be great to share my list of the top picks and why they are my favorites. I’ll link each book to Amazon.com so you can check them out yourself. Happy reading!

The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two - Dr. Sears This is the, pardon the pun, mother of all baby books. Written by the AP guru Dr. Sears, The Baby Books is full of all the tips, advice, and suggestions that new mothers need.

Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care for Your Baby and Young Child - Katie Allison Granju This is another great resource for new parents who are unsure what to do. The information is laid out easily and the answers are clear and well defined.

The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost - Jean Liedloff While there are some issues with the book that certainly date it to it’s time, such as the outdated ideas on homosexuality, the pieces of wisdom shared in the book are still beautiful. It is a great look at happiness and peace and has inspired many parents to look at their own family.

Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times - Zoe Weil This was one of the first books I ever read after my oldest was born, and I still turn to it when in need of comfort. Parents hoping to raise their children peacefully will appreciate the ideas presented, which I feel takes Dr. Sear’s ideas for babies and toddlers and expands them onto older children.

The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart - Jan Hunt This book explains simply and clearly what most AP parents know, how we treat our children determines how they will grow. A detached childhood grows a detached adult.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-child Relationships from Reaction And Struggle to Freedom, Power And Joy - Naomi Aldort, Ph.D. Many people think that Attachment Parenting only works when their children are infants. This book takes those same parenting concepts and moves them into raising older children, and also helps parents see their own limitations and issues.

Playful Parenting - Lawrence Cohen Though not considered an Attachment Parenting book the ideas in here of playing and fun as the connection between parent and child are worth reading. I think this is great for any parent struggling with discipline as it shows ways to connect and love to build a relationship with your child. Guiding rather than discipling is often a huge struggle for AP parents.

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason - Alfie Kohn I would like to suggest every Alfie Kohn book, but if you can only read one this would be it. You’ll find yourself taking a good, long look at the traditional parenting techniques such as threats, bribes, rewards, and time out.

Baby Matters: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Caring for Your Baby - Linda F. Palmer DC This is a wonderful little book to have on hand if you are wondering why certain things are suggested or when naysayers pipe up to chide you on your choices. It is packed full of research on everything from co-sleeping to baby wearing to breastfeeding. A valuable resource to have.

Natural Family Living : The Mothering Magazine Guide to Parenting -Peggy O’Mara Written by the editor and publisher of Mothering Magazine this is a good general book for family life beyond just attachment parenting. Topics such as nutrition, television watching, education, and more are discussed.

I’m sure everyone’s list is different, but these are the books that have helped and guided me the most. These are all more general books, though there are many great books that focus more on select topics such as breastfeeding or co-sleeping. I may try to share some of them later this week for anyone looking for books on certain topics. If you have any book recommendations let me know.

books, attachment parenting, parenting, parenting books

As The Business of Being Born has hit NetFlix more and more people are rushing to see it. I would love to give you a review, but I’m the only mom left without this movie service so I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet.

But childbirth has popped up as a great topic among many AP moms. Amy shares her thoughts on women dying in childbirth, Peggy O’Mara wrote on birth resistance in Mothering magazine, and the always humorous Hathor has been pumping out some great cartoons on birth and those wonderful love hormones. Even though natural childbirth is a “requirement” for Attachment Parenting, it is still a topic that many feel connected to and love to discuss.

Mommy Think has a great article on the real debate of homebirth and the research surrounding it.

While some mothers are in heaven about seeing the movie, others feel more hesitant.  And other moms found themselves flooding tears over what they saw. The ranges of opinions and feelings on homebirth vary so much they are all worth reading for a broad view. There are some homebirthing parents who are anti-Attachment Parenting, and some who are finding their spouse or partner resistant to the idea. It is such a hot topic that everyone is weighing in their opinions.

Some even going so far as to claim that homebirthing makes you a better parent.

If you have seen the movie yet and have an opinion to share on either The Business of Being Born or homebirth in general I would love you to share. Leave a comment with your thoughts, or if you have already written a post on your own blog leave the link here so others and read it. I just ask that everyone stay respectful and rational.  Insultin, hateful, or belligerent comments will be deleted.

I read this post on Attachment parenting guilt and thought it deserved to be shared. Sometimes we have this ideal image in our minds of what we are supposed to be doing, an ideal that can lead to a whole lot of guilt and resentment when we fail to live up to our own expectations. We are just parents after all.

But one important point was mentioned in the comments. Family support. Here in the US we are isolated as we care for our kids. For stay at home moms they are usually the lone caregiver, expected to handle everything by themselves without breaking a sweat. It is an expectation that is really too much for any lone person to meet.

In many other cultures raising children is a family affair. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, they all live either with each other or extremely close. Families raise their children with their entire family. It is easier to give yourself so much to your child when you know that there are several close relatives a few steps away more than willing to step in and help. Instead of trying to care for your children in solitude you have a group effort.

I think this is important for parents who are struggling with Attachment parenting to know.  You cannot do this alone, despite what our culture suggests. If you do not have family near by willing and able to help find friends who can join you during the day. It benefits them as much as it does you as coming together helps care for all the children, and nurtures the mothers as well.

family, extended family, Attachment parenting, parenting, mothers

One part of Attachment Parenting is respecting our children and listening to their needs and wants. We hold our babies when they cry rather than assume they are trying to manipulate us, respecting that they have a legitimate need to be held and comforted. But that respect can sometimes wane as they get older, often without us even knowing it. We make comments that dismiss their feelings, ignore their needs because they don’t fit into what we think they should need.

“You don’t really mean that.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of”

To a young child these types of comments can be dismissive, brushing aside feelings that are very real to them simply because they are not real to us. When we tell a child who is deeply upset that there is really nothing to be upset about it is the same as ignoring a screaming baby who wants to be held because “he’s just trying to manipulate me”. We stop respecting them.

I’m just as guilty of it as anyone else. Sometimes I need a reminder that my thoughts and feelings are not my children’s thoughts and feelings,  that they can have fears and desires that might seem irrational to me but are still just as valid as mine. I received a reminder of this the other day  when  the Daily Groove  came in my email box. It was just the kind of thing I needed to read that day.

:: Truth Is Overrated ::

In a materialistic society, we form the habit of taking objective “truth” too seriously. One of the gifts of parenthood is that children give us an excuse to *relax* about objective truths and revive our natural appreciation of *felt* (subjective) truths.

When a five-year-old boy says, “I’m going to eat this *whole* watermelon right now!” he’s telling *his* truth for that moment. If his mother says, “Don’t be silly! That melon is twenty times the size of your stomach!” the richness of his heartfelt truth is lost to both of them.

Today, notice how you respond to your child’s “childish” statements. Put aside what you “know” and let yourself *feel* your child’s truth.

Enjoy the feeling of connection made possible by your willingness to share your child’s perspective… Now *that’s* power!

It is a habit that is hard to break out of, but worth trying to do. When you feel yourself about to respond stop and think about how they are feeling rather than how you feel. Something “not that bad” to you can really feel like the end of the world to a young child who has never had this experience before.

parenting, respect, children, feelings, attachment parenting

I found this article called Co-Sleeping: Bad Habit, or Handy Tool in the Parenting Toolkit? The mother shares her nighttime struggles with her daughter and how they have resorted to whatever works to get some sleep, including co-sleeping. I think that for many people there is this fear that if you co-sleep your child will never leave your bed. Of course it is silly to say “never” about any thing, but is still a common remark made.

The main problem is that no one, including the person saying it, really believes the child will never leave their parents bed. Perhaps they will want to co-sleep longer than what society considers “normal”, but even that still is not never. For some children they just need a longer time to adjust to new things, including sleeping alone. We would not say “if you start feeding your child he’ll never feed himself” or “if you dress your child he’ll never dress himself”. Both of those ideas seem silly to most of us. Of course the child will learn to do those things someday when he’s ready. And so the “if you don’t make him sleep alone now he never will” thought goes.

Despite cultural norms sleeping alone is not really normal. Imagine a primitive mother putting her young child to sleep alone. She would wake in the morning to find some animal had came along and eaten her baby while she slept alone. There is also the role that co-sleeping has in breastfeeding. Many children are not physically ready to sleep through the night without food, despite their parents wanting them to be. Just as you cannot potty train a child who is not ready and expect it to work, sleep training a child who has not matured enough to sleep through the night will bring tears and frustration.

Each child develops in their own pace, and with that their co-sleeping needs will be different. There is no “one size fits all” model of when it’s OK to force a child to sleep on their own. And don’t worry, despite what some may say no child will still be sleeping next to you every night forever. Sooner or later they’ll move out.

Resources:

• Making It Work: Guidelines for Safe Co-Sleeping
• Dr. James McKenna’s Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory, University of Notre Dame
• Where Should Babies Sleep at Night?: A Review of the Evidence from the CESDI SUDI Study
• Rethinking “Healthy” Infant Sleep
• Collection of articles on co-sleeping

cosleeping, co-sleeping, family bed, sleep, children, infants, parenting

I love entering contests online to win neat stuff. My ratio of actually winning is pretty low, but checking out the great things being given away is half the fun. I’ve found a lot of contests going on right now that AP moms would love and just had to share them. Click on the links to visit the giveaway pages, be sure to read the rules on how to enter each one as they are all different. You better hurry, many of them end Monday!

• Hatchling Child Sling By Nest - These cute little slings are made for the little ones to wear their favorite toys and dolls. It’s the cutest site ever to see your baby slinging his baby.
• Born Green Giveaway - These amazing prize packages are not only huge they’re also full of things many AP families would love to have.
• Finn & Thatcher “Green” Toy package - Win a collection of cute wooden toys for your little one. These are so sweet you’ll be won over completely.
• Glamour Mom nursing tank - Are you a Glamour Mom? With these tank tops every nursing mom can be. The easy release makes nursing a breeze both at home and on the go.
• Pair of BabyLegs - I love BabyLegs. These sweet little leggings for babies keep their little legs warm when they’re refusing to wear pants, which happens a lot in my house. Plus you can show off those cute little cloth diapers without freezing their legs.
• Peanut Shell - Peanut Shells are some of the most sought after infant pouches. Not only are they comfortable but they are so cute too! Here’s your chance to win one for yourself.

If anyone knows of any other fun giveaways that AP parents would love please let me know! I love to share all the fun goodies available on the web.

giveaways, contests, fun

Those who keep up with the news have probably already seen this article on vaccines and autism. Parents who have felt that vaccines could be dangerous and risky for their children are both sighing with relieve at finally getting some official credit and shaking their heads that it took this long for someone to listen.

What’s unique about Hannah’s case is that for the first time federal authorities have conceded a connection between her autistic symptoms and the vaccines she received, though the connection is by no means simple. A panel of medical evaluators at the Department of Health and Human Services concluded that Hannah had been injured by vaccines — and recommended that her family be compensated for the injuries. The panel said that Hannah had an underlying cellular disorder that was aggravated by the vaccines, causing brain damage with features of autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

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I don’t usually follow celebrity gossip but The turn around of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden with the birth of their little girl has been something I’ve watched a bit. My interest was really sparked when Nicole mentioned breastfeeding during an interview. Her comments, taken out of context at the time that I read them, made breastfeeding out to be a horrible burden. It was only later when I read them again in the context of her child having food sensitivities that I stopped scowling when her name came up.

“There’s just so much I can’t eat because she’s sensitive”, Nicole states. “I eat really bland [food] – chicken noodle soup, vegetables, fish. I had to cut out milk, no tomatoes, no lettuce. You think you have to cut everything out when you’re pregnant, but you really have to cut everything out when you’re breastfeeding”

Then I found another interview with the happy parents has started another debate on parenting. According to Joel he and Nicole are very opposite in parenting. She keeps Harlow on a schedule, while he admits to being the one who gets her out of the crib when she is crying. The comments section of Celebrity Baby went alive with people adding their thoughts to the ideas of spoiling a baby, wants verses needs, and self soothing in young infants. Here are a few of the comments: (more…)

This is a guest post from Sara of the Flutterby Gifts blog. You can check out her soaps and lotions at Flutterby Gifts.

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I will admit, I was the picture of consumerism when I first started my adult life. As I studied and grew my views on how I desired to live my life changed. I started dreaming of a farm and self sustainability. I started to wonder what I could rely on myself for instead of being a consumer. My family started to make their own meals, breads, yogurts and ice creams. I started to make my own clothes and felt good about my garden. Something that I had over looked was my bathroom. After all there is a plethora of plastics in the bathroom! Yet, it had escaped me and I the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I was so used to going to the store to get my soap, and other bathroom goodies.

Then a friend of mine started reading a book on soap making. The pictures were so pretty, filled with colored and shaped soaps. I started to wonder, but I was so fond and even a little addicted to my shower gel. While in massage school we talked quite a bit about body products, what they do to the skin, what is in them, how they affect the skin and therefore the whole body. It was starting to sink in, I needed a change.

I’m a huge fan of anything that I can make with my own two hands, so I gave soap making a try. Not with the intent to use it myself, (again, I still disliked bar soap. I was just sure of it.) but to give away as gifts and whatnot. I made my first batch and I was hooked on the process. It was so much fun to watch the oils mix together, change consistency and become�soap! I started to research more about oils, what they do for skin and get more in-depth about how the process of soap making worked. I created my own recipe and when I tried it I learned that the bar soap I had known was not what I thought.

Most store bought bar soaps are actually a detergent and not a true “soap”. Soap is the process of mixing lye and oils together to create a chemical change turning the oils into solid, bubbly cleansing soap. A detergent is described as any non soap that uses surfactants and commercial cleaning products.

In one of my classes we were asked to look through our shower space and find the longest word on the bottles. Everyone came back with things we couldn’t pronounce, most of us couldn’t spell and no one in class knew what they were, or why there were going onto our body. (and thus, into our body)

I was sold. I did a large purge of all lotions, balms, detergents ect. that was in our bathroom. I enjoyed making soap, so why not practice what I preach. My skin is softer, my natural oils keep my moisturized and my environment is a happier place.

My soaps come from my kitchen, to my bathroom. There is no shipping process, no large factory and no packaging. Most of my soaps contain only natural colorants made from powdered herbs, and essential oils for fragrance. I have some that use fragrance oils instead of essential oils but well, we can�t all be perfect all of the time!

Bottom line is that there is always some small change, some little thing that you can do in your life to help the earth, be more self reliant and be better for your body.

Sources:

soap, lotion, natural products, natural living, DIY