The Attached Mother

If you had not heard yet April 30th is National Spank Out day, a day dedicated to helping parents stop for a moment and think about spanking as a form of punishment for children. Most parents who use AP are against spanking and all forms of physical punishment. The respect and bond that we create can be broken by the pain and humiliation of hitting when a child steps out of line.

Many parents spoke up today and shared their thoughts on spanking and hitting. You can visit a running list of those parents at the Thinking Parents Wiki. Definitely check them all out and read their contributions to this topic. It’s still not too late to add in your own also.

You can read my short and to the point post in Spank Out Day where I share my reasons for choosing not to spank.  As well as a little pointing out that discipline does happen without spanking. After too many times of stating “I don’t spank” to have the response be “What, you don’t discipline your kids!” I’ve gotten tired of the idea that spanking and discipline are the same thing. Or even that punishment of any kind is the same as discipline.

If you have a post up about spanking, corporal punishment, or gentle discipline add yourself the the Thinking Parent Wiki page so that others can read it also. And leave me a comment about it also so I can come check it out. Happy National Spank Out Day!

spanking, parenting, discipline, children, National Spank Out Day

There is a great post up at API Speaks from Amy about her choice to have a homebirth. The post was originally written before her son was born. Amy has been a loud voice in birth options for women, giving information and insight into the home birth option. You can find many of her well researched and thoughtful articles at BlogHer where she shares her perspective on midwives and home birth. Also check out her blog where she dishes on parenting and life as a Crunchy Domestic Goddess.

When I was pregnant with my second son we decided on a home birth. My first was born in a free standing birth center with a midwife that I loved, but the center was an hour away from my home. After enduring that long drive in the throes of labor once I was certain that I did not want to do it again. Unfortunately living in a rural area there are not many birth options available. It was either drive an hour or more in any direction or hand myself over to the local OBs, none of whom were open to anything other than medicalized births. At 20 weeks the home birth decision was made.

Of course many people assumed that choice was made out of ignorance or some idea of birth being a fuzzy, soft affair. Most people tended to ignore the mountain of research I had in front of me, the hours each day spent questioning everything birth related that lead me to the home birth option. Though it wasn’t such a giant leap for me after already researching my birth options with my first child.

Though my home birth ended up not happening the research I did led me to fully support women who want to go that route. It is a wonderful option, one that more women should know the facts of and have available to them. Childbirth can be a huge industry and many who profit from it aren’t willing to share the stage, which can lead to home birth and free standing birth centers not being given equal availability. Luckily there are women like Amy out there who educates and inspires women on this great birth option.

birth, childbirth, home birth

I love getting my dose of sanity in my email box with The Daily Groove. Here’s the latest one that I’ve been reading over and over.

:: WWCD: What Would a Child Do? ::

A popular Christian slogan is “WWJD: What Would Jesus Do?” This is an excellent question for Christian parents to ask as Jesus honored children, promoted nonviolence, and embodied unconditional love.

Anyone you consider to be loving and wise can help you connect with your Inner Wisdom in this way:

* What would the Dalai Lama do?
* What would my great aunt Sally do?
* What would Mister Rogers do?
* What would my dog do? (Seriously!)

Another great source of wisdom is *children*, who constantly present us with opportunities to let go of limiting beliefs:

* A child would care more about feeling good than being “right.”
* A child would look for the FUN in every situation.
* A child would be open to miracles.
* A child would be authentic.

Today, include children’s wisdom in your decision-making by asking yourself, “What would a child do?”

So what would you child do when faced with various situations? How would they react to a struggle for something they really want, pressure to be something they are not, or dealing with someone different than them? Go back in time to the innocent toddler years before they were shaped and molded by their environment too much. The answer is most likely a simple one but it gets clouded over.

If you can’t imagine what your child would do why not just ask them? You might be surprised by what you can learn.

parenting

You know what it’s like when you prepare healthy, delicious, good all over food and you kid goes with the candy bar and bottle of soda instead?

If not Arun at The Parenting Pit has a great cartoon up on food freedom and not blowing your top. I’ve been there too often myself, especially when most of my family members seems to think chips count as a veggie. It’s hard not to feel a little crazy when the grandparents are handing them mounds of chocolate candies and their own dad is munching Dorittos on the couch.

Go visit the cartoon and have a little chuckle.

food, humor, parenting, life

If you haven’t heard the news yet the Attachment Parenting International blog is up and running! This is a great resource to add to the blogroll, I’ve already added it here. The blog will be a group effort where parents of all stages can share their own stories of parenting and living. You can join in yourself by sharing a post on attachment parenting in your house. Be sure to check out the guidelines first to make sure your post is what they are looking for.

Just in time for my own infant sling giveaway there is a great post up right now on slinging your newborn. For me that was the hardest stage of sling wearing. I was so nervous and uncertain on the right way to wear the sling and just how to put my baby in and out. It also didn’t help that I had never met another person face to face that used a sling. I wish I had this kind of advice then. We made it through, but it could have been a lot less nerve-wracking with this advice in hand.

I hope you’ll stop by and read the great posts already up. Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss any thing that is happening! I’m certain API Speaks is going to be a valuable resource for all parents, not just those who practice attachment parenting.

And of course, don’t forget to go back and enter in my giveaway if you haven’t yet. A brand new, handmade sling of your choice! The perfect gift for any new moms you might know.

attachment parenting, parenting, blogs, slings, infant slings, infant carriers

If you haven’t check it out yet I have a ring sling giveaway going on here. You could win a handcrafted, beautiful ring sling or your choice.

On that note, I found this great article at Forever Parents called Why You Should Hold Your Baby. The article tells one grandmother’s story of wearing her grandchildren and loving it, as well as seeing the benefits first hand of being worn and carried by their family. Most of us have heard “If you hold that baby all time you’ll spoil her”.

What a win-win: happy baby, happy caregiver. Unless she was hungry and only nursing could meet her need, carrying her in the sling would always make her happy, whether it was Mom or Dad or Grandma doing the carrying. Wearing your baby in a sling completely transforms the experience of parenting an infant.

Many of us that got to wear our babies remember similar experiences. Calm and content babies, moony-eyed moms with their babies near by. And, unlike fruit, they don’t spoil. Carrying your baby close to your heart provides you both with a connection, a security that will be very beneficial as they age. And trust me, they do age. Before you know it that sweet, snuggly baby is a fast paced child with no time for long snuggled on the couch.

Contrary to what we have been taught to believe, research shows that babies who are held and carried all the time and get their need for touch well-met in their first year do not become clingy and overly dependent. They cry much less and they grow to become happier, more intelligent, more independent, more loving and more social than babies who spend much of their infancy in infant seats, swings, cribs, and all the other plastic baby-holding gadgets that don’t provide babies with human contact.

True there are some babies who love their space, my oldest needed room to breath more than close snuggles. Luckily a big part of attachment parenting is not following some set of “must do” rules, but following your own instincts and your child’s cues. If your child doesn’t like to be carried in a sling that in no way means you are doing something wrong or not really following attachment parenting. Each child is different and need different things. Just be open to what cues you are being sent.

If your baby loves to be held and cuddled using a sling can be a great way to keep that constant contact.

baby wearing, slings, parenting, babies, infants

I’m joining in the fun Bloggy Giveaway here at The Attached Mother. For the week of April 21 -25 hundreds of bloggers are joining together to give away great prizes. There are so many fun things being given away it will be hard to get through them all.

OK, so I’m sure you want to get to the chase right? As the title says I’m giving away a brand new ring sing of your choice to one lucky person here this week. The slings are handmade with loving care by Flutterby Gifts. There are several cute slings available right now for your browsing pleasure. Just check out the slings page here to see what is available. Ring slings are perfect for new moms. They are easy to put on and take off, easy to adjust, and cradle a baby much like the womb did. When mine were little I adored having a ring sling to wear.

Here is what you have to do if you want to win a new ring sling. Leave a comment on this post between April 21 and 25 sharing a happy slinging memory. Maybe it’s finally figuring out how to wear your sling, or carrying your sleeping baby, or even just meeting someone who didn’t ask you if you were smothering your baby in the sling. What ever happy moment you want to share please do.

If you haven’t used a sling yet and don’t have any happy moments just share one that you might look forward to having. Even if you are hoping to win for someone else, what do you think they might enjoy about using a sling? Let’s share the happiness and make each other smile!

Then come back on April 26 when I’ll announce the winner. One comment will be chosen at random to win a sling of their choice from the sling section at Flutterby Gifts. And while you’re there be sure to check out the other goodies for sale. The soaps and lotions are to die for, I can personally attest to that.

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Be sure to also check out what I’m giving away at Mom Is Teaching!

Many people know about the movie The Business of Being Born. It has gotten a lot of great press and endorsement all around. But there is another movie in a similar theme that most people have not yet heard of.

Orgasmic Birth is a film that follow 11 women as they give birth as a “a free, sensuous, joyous moment”. The concept of orgasmic birth is certainly not new. Anyone who has visited the Born Free website has probably browsed through the Sensual Pregnancy and Birth section. For some women giving birth is far from the pain and stress portrayed in the media and instead a beautiful, passionate experience.

In the movie Orgasmic Birth we get to see birth as it happens to these mothers who say they are opening themselves up for joy. Dr. Christiane Northrup and Ina May Gaskin provide commentary throughout the movie, two big names in the natural childbirth community. As much as the story focuses on these powerful women giving birth it also looks at the childbirth industry in general. Marsden Wagner, MD, Former World Health Organization, Director of Women’s and Children’s Health weighs in with his thoughts on medical childbirth in the movie as well.

Very clear hard evidence in the last ten years the number of women who are induced, that is their labor is kick-started , it’s doubling. You kick-start labor by giving them a powerful drug. And then you give them more drugs to keep the labor going. Now there are about five to ten percent of women in which there’s a good medical reason to do this, and you’re saving lives and all that. But if you go above ten percent, you’re not saving lives anymore. These are powerful drugs with all kinds of risks, including brain damage to the baby, a dead baby, a dead woman. And yet we do it twice as much. And there’s so much pain in induction, it’s incredible pain. And so they have to come with all the pain relief and the epidurals and all of that. So we get induction, leading to epidural, which leads to caesarian. And that is what’s happening in this country. Now why? Did something happen? Did American women’s bodies suddenly go bad? Did American women’s bodies suddenly lose the ability to figure out when it’s time to go into labor? Goodness no! You know, why do sixty to eighty percent of American women have to have powerful drugs and interventions to their bodies? Well, it has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with their body. And it’s not because of bad doctors, it’s a bad system.

Orgasmic Birth has the potential to be a must-see movie for 2008. Right now the DVDs are only available at screenings of the film, but scheduled for general release late fall or winter of this year. If you are interested in hosting a screening of the movie in your area visit the hosting page and download the contract and reservation forms you will need. Here is the trailer for the film via YouTube. Check it out for yourself.

childbirth, birth, orgasmic birth, natural childbirth

Despite much of the research to the contrary the old idea that co-sleeping is dangerous just will not go away. I recently stumbled upon a blog, that I refuse to link to because it was horrible, where the writer ranted on for pages and pages making claims that attachment parenting was abuse. From reading his claims it became very obvious that person did not understand what AP really is, and possibly the person has no children of his own as he did not seem to understand normal childhood development.

On of the claims that really stuck out was that “61 children die annually from co-sleeping”. This was given as proof that AP is dangerous and abusive. Frankly it just made me laugh.

First of all, where is the data? I did a few Google searches and could not find that number given. Did he mean nationally or locally? In his state, county, or city? I don’t know, no further information was given. But let’s assume, for the sake of the arguement, that this number is correct and that he means nationally.

1. Only 61? Really? Compared to the number of children who die nationally in their cribs I think we’re doing pretty good.
2. Co-sleeping does not automatically equal attachment parenting. There are many parents who are not AP yet co-sleep for a variety of reasons (pdf). Often for just a night or two if the child is ill, or the family is in a hotel with no access to a crib, or the parents just fall asleep on accident. Which leads to…
3. Of those 61 deaths what were the parents doing? Were they co-sleeping safely? Were the parents under the influence of alcohol or drugs? Where they obese? Did they pile on blankets and pillows? The number of children who die annually from car crashes because they were not properly restrained is higher than this, yet we teach parents to do so safely rather than claim all parents who drive with their kids are abusive.

I just found this claim to be laughable and easily refuted by common sense. Sadly, the number of comments who agree with and support the writer shows how uncommon common sense really is.

[tags]co-sleeping[tags]

Vaccinations are a hot topic among parents. On schedule? Delayed? All? Some? None? There are facts and opinions on all sides of the debate that parents should familiarize themselves with. Knowledge is power, blindly following any doctor takes away your power. The same goes for following the makers of the vaccines, or those who get rich off of them.

Setting up a schedule to delay vaccinations or to choose which ones your children will receive can be difficult. There is a lot of information out there to dig through to help you make your decisions.  You should first visit the AAP to see what the “official” schedule for childhood vaccinations is. Then talk with your doctor to see what their schedule is. And if your children are school aged be sure to find out if there are specific vaccinations required for school. Some only require a selected few of all the ones given which may be useful to know if thinking about selective vaccination.

Vaccinations are not just in the realm of attachment parenting, it is a universal debate among all parents. I have giggled to meet moms who choose a standard medical birth, breastfeed for only a few months, never co-sleep, and yet have a delayed vaccination schedule for this children. I have also met co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding moms who use the full vaccine schedule on time.

What ever you choose to do for your children be sure you research the facts first and make a solid decision. You don’t have to do all or nothing, you can choose to turn down the ones that you do not trust or just hold off for a year or two until you feel your child’s body is more able to handle the stress.

vaccinations, vaccines, selective vaccinating

I was online trying to catch up on my overflowing email when one caught my eye. I almost sent it to the spam folder because of the subject line “perfect parents”. Luckily my curiosity made me open it. Instead of the spam I assumed it would be there was a long, angry email from a mom named Tammy. What she laid out was frustration and guilt on how she choose to parent her children verses what she felt was the “perfect parenting” of attachment parenting.

I don’t know her story, or why she felt the way she did. Maybe she had the unfortunate luck to run into an AP parent  who was on a high horse, maybe her own guilt made her read into things what wasn’t there. I don’t know. I do know that she felt extremely hurt in her parenting choices.

I just have to say that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. No matter what style you choose, and there are  the bullies in every area, you will never be a perfect parent. And neither will anyone else. We are all human, subject to mood swings and mistakes and saying things we wish we could take back. Life happens, even to the “perfect parents”.

That said yes many of us are vocal about our parenting styles. We are ecstatic, moved, relieved, and a whole host of other emotions that make us want to shout from the rooftops. When a parent finds something that works they are usually turning jumping jacks in an attempt to tell others. Not because we think we are “perfect” but because we know what it’s like to be in that spot before. If it helps us so much isn’t it worth passing on to other mothers who might find it helps them as well?

AP never claims to be perfect parenting, because that does not exist. Parents who use the tools will fall down just as often as everyone else.

parenting, perfect parent, attachment parenting

I love checking my email and getting my daily dose of parenting sanity via The Daily Groove. The nuggets of gold that I’m sent every day are stored away, saved for when I might need them the most. Today’s nugget seemed timely for recent news.

:: PREsponsive Parenting ::

Raising a child in harmony with human nature is like driving to a distant city. The road isn’t straight, but it’ll get you there.

For example, the road to independence as an adult is via dependence as a baby. Going straight to independence is a disaster.

You know you’ve veered off course when the ride becomes suddenly rough, so you steer back to the smooth road. Responsive parenting is like that: answering a baby’s cries or a child’s aggression with unconditional love and nurturing.

But when driving, you *rarely* veer off the road. You stay *centered* in your lane for a smooth ride! You stay *attuned* to the road, so you can adjust course BEFORE you veer off.

In other words, you can PREspond!

Today, if you hit a rough spot with your child, be REsponsive, but also consider how you might have PREsponded, and refine your attunement accordingly.

Pleasure-oriented PREsponsiveness can turn your parenting journey into a JOYride!

As I read this I wondered where some parents missed the curve in the road and failed to PREspond to their children, sailing off the road and continuing down the side of the mountain. The parents I mean are the ones of these girls.

If you haven’t heard the story yet, a group of cheerleaders ambushed another girl and beat her. All the while recording the attack, happily, to show off their inhumanity on the internet.  Apparently this is something to be proud of. Somewhere along the road these girls got the message that violence is not only OK, but fun. Somewhere along the road to adulthood they were taught that ganging up on another human being was a moment to be proud of.

I wonder whether they were taught empathy, respect, or understanding. (more…)

I read an interesting article about the book Parenting, Inc. The book deals with what many people deal with the high cost of parenting in today’s culture. A thousand and one items, classes, and toys that parents are expected to buy quickly adds up. Parents to surrender to the marketing ploys can quickly spend a small fortune on their children.

From ergonomic strollers, to sleep consultants, to professional potty training, child rearing has become a very big business. Author Pamela Paul discusses her new book, Parenting, Inc. and the aggressive marketing aimed at new moms and dads.

“Sometimes, spending a lot on children isn’t just unnecessary; it’s counterproductive,” Paul writes. “Every parent I know is struggling to figure out how to afford a family without succumbing to the spiral of consumption that characterizes modern parenthood.”

For some the bills begin piling up before the baby is even born. There are so many things being marketed to new parents. Strollers, cribs, swings, special chairs, vibrating toys that plays ocean sounds and attaches to the crib. If you can dream it up there is someone ready to sell it to you. I learned the hard way how to have a new baby and save money, but soon even if you do all you can not to spend a fortune on your infant soon enough the toddler stage kicks in.

(more…)

There area few celebrity moms that I just love. Gwen Stephani being one. From her stylish sling that Kingston got to rock (and hopefully number 2 will enjoy as well) to her breastfeeding comments, Gwen has just stood out to me as a mom I would love to know. Angelina Jolie was another mom who wore her kids and loves co-sleeping. Family snuggles in the bed are so relaxing. Charlotte Church is another mom who’s homebirthing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping attitude made me smile.

Unfortunately not all celeb moms feel the same way. There are some who think it is perfectly fine to hand their newborns over to someone else while they jump back into their careers or begin training for marathons.  I know that many say all mothers are attached, but sometimes I wonder about some mothers. How attached are you when you can say “OK, here you go, I’ve got to get back to the gym now”. Marathon training isn’t just half an hour or an hour every other day. That is a huge piece of your time, time that your children are not getting.

I’m just sad that instead of spending time with her newborn twins she’s spending time with a personal trainer. Rather than make her kids proud by being a good mother she wants to make them proud by being in good shape.

Yes we’re all mothers, and yes we should support each other as mothers. But that does not mean we have to agree with or even like what other mothers choose to do. And we can be vocal in our opposition while still not taking away their right to make those kinds of choices.

So what celeb moms do you look up to? Which ones are influential in all the right ways?

parenting, attachment parenting, celebrity moms, celebrities

Part of using AP on older children is treating them like their own selves, accepting their “authentic self” as it is sometimes said. That can mean not saying “You don’t really mean that” when they say something you are uncomfortable with. Accepting that they have their own unique needs and wants that may conflict with your own, and instead of trying to force them into your plans finding a way to compromise. Yes, even with a young child.

My preschooler has been in a phase lately. it’s the “I hate you” phase, one that is not uncommon among preschoolers. Though, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t break a mother’s heart to hear it.  Hearing my child say that took the wind out of me for several days. Then I stopped and thought. When a newborn cries we respond to that crying and try to give them what they need, even if what they need is just to be held and loved while they cry. Often some people will say the baby is “manipulating” you with their crying, but for most using attachment parenting we believe in looking at the child’s need rather than our adult interpretation of their actions.

The same can be said of preschoolers. When I whined about my son throwing his “I hate you” emotions at me after a sleep over I had some people ask what I thought was different to cause such a reaction. I took a day to think about it and realized the underlying meaning of his words and emotions, rather than reacting to the verbal display. Just as a baby cried to tell you they need something, a preschooler may shout “I hate you!” to tell you that they need something as well. Here is my email responce.

Different rules, different kids, different toys, a bit of everything. Thinking about it now, after putting my wretched heart back in place, I think the big issue is he’s slow to change. It takes a couple hours to adjust from sleep to wake, at least an hour at the park before leaving my side to go play. The sudden change of there to here is probably too much for him. If they could come play here for an hour when they dropped him off it would likely go a lot smoother.

He wasn’t reacting to the fact that he was back home, but to the sudden adjustment of being dropped off with a quick goodbye.  Dr. Sears says

AP is responsive parenting. By becoming sensitive to the cues of your infant, you learn to read your baby’s level of need. Because baby trusts that his needs will be met and his language listened to, the infant trusts in his ability to give cues. As a result, baby becomes a better cue-giver, parents become better cue-readers, and the whole parent-child communication network becomes easier.

I think that for parents of older children this is one tool of AP that they should keep in their belt.  Respond to your child, listen to their cues/words/shouts, and keep the communication open. And if you completely mess up, don’t worry. Kids will always just repeat the action until you get it right.

parenting, preschoolers, life, attachment parenting