The Attached Mother

Last night after his soccer game, Bug received several compliments on his goalie skills.  (Yeah, he’s good :p)  He grinned and twisted his hair.  I told him to say thank you but he said (loud enough for us all to hear) “I’m too shy!”.  Everyone chuckled and I gave him a hug and we moved on.

Later I briefly wondered if I’d done the right thing by not insisting that he say thank you.  I came to the conclusion that I definitely had done the right thing.

Bug is not a rude child.  He says please and thank you regularly.  He is shy and having to speak to adults can be intimidating.  I have witnessed other parents forcing their children to say “please” and “thank you” or even to respond to a  “hello” from an adult.  I’ve seen children clam up and be near tears over a simple greeting.  What is the point of forcing a child into politeness?

I feel it is good discipline to remind a child to practice being courteous. I feel it is misled parenting to insist (much to the embarrassment of the child, the parent and the other adults involved) that a shy child be courteous.

Led by example!  When someone compliments you or performs a service for you, say thank you.  Use your manners and your child will see.  Be courteous and your child will learn how to be courteous also.

Reflect your child’s feelings.  Simply say, “I know you are feeling shy.  Adults can be intimidating.  Remember that being a polite person is something to be proud of.”  Let your child make the decision to be polite.  Remind them if they need it but don’t force them into courtesy.  It will backfire.

Another thing to consider is your own feelings. You probably feel embarrassed when your child forgets to say please, thank you or excuse me.  You feel it is a reflection on you and your parenting skills.  This might make you want to show that you DO, in fact, teach your child socially acceptable behaviour.  But, it’s not all about you.  You can make a lasting negative impression on your child by forcing them into politeness or you can be gentle with them and give them encouragement to try again next time.

Unrelated to my post, but still important, please check out this link.