The Attached Mother

What do you think about bribing, rewarding, and treating your children for their actions?

There are two basic schools of thought on this. One says that bribing is fine and works, the other says that bribing is only a short term solution. I fall into the second category, though I have been guilty of bribing and rewarding my kids when need be. For instance getting dressed so we can get somewhere on time.

Like most people I was raised in a bribing and rewarding household. It was not until I was an adult that I even considered the notion that kids could, and would, do things without needing something in return. Though the concept seems logical as an adult, for instance I don’t get treats for doing the dishes, when dealing with children it becomes fuzzy.

It was on an Attachment Parenting board that I first was told about not bribing or rewarding kids. It seemed crazy at first, and I probably argued so at least in my head. Then I sat down with an open mind and listened to what they were saying, and it made sense. Bribing only does little good, and more often does further damage. Or in the words of Alfie Kohn:

“Rewards work!” many parents insist. But work to do what? And at what cost? The answer to the first question is that rewards, like punishments, are extremely effective at getting us one thing and one thing only: temporary obedience. What they can never do, however, is help children become responsible, ethical, decent people.

 

Studies conclude that rewards are ineffective. In the process of writing a book on the subject, I’ve found hundreds of studies showing that rewards are strikingly ineffective at producing lasting change in attitudes or behaviors. Once the rewards run out, people go right back to acting the way they did. And no wonder. Rewards don’t create an enduring commitment to any value or action; they merely change what we do.

For many parents finding their way towards AP ideas like this make sense. When we strive to give our children a solid foundation from which to grow with things such as co-sleeping and baby wearing why would we not also strive to build that foundation in other areas. I have a discussion going on right now on whether bribing works or not. Feel free to pop over and share your thoughts in the comments section, just do so politely please.

parenting, bribing, rewards, children, Alfie Kohn