The Attached Mother

The eternal co-sleeping debate. Does it ever end? This time I was sent a link to an article written by Dr. Cara Natterson with her thoughts on co-sleeping. It’s a fairly typical article, about exactly what you would expect from a pediatrician. I can’t fault her for toeing the party line, after all it is part of her job.

She lists three reason why the AAP feels that co-sleeping is dangerous,  gives a nod to the parents who disagree, and throws in the “if you child is sick” exemption plan. Nothing really worth mentioning. In fact I only bring it up because a friend sent me an email last night asking my opinion on the article and on another story. It’s the second story that deserves the attention.

The story comes out of Columbus, Ohio where 4 separate cases of infants dying occurred.  On the outside that doesn’t seem so odd. From SIDS, respiratory infections, accidental suffocations, to undetected physical problems many more than four babies die each day. Probably all in the same area also. However what set these four cases apart is that each child was sleeping with an adult at the time of death. This has, of course, lead to warnings of the dangers of co-sleeping being tossed around. Of course we don’t know exactly how these babies died yet, but the simple fact that all four so happened to be with adults sleeping leaves some pointing to co-sleeping as the obvious cause.

And yet if four babies in the same county all died and they were all in cribs I somehow doubt there would be much public outcry on the dangers of leaving infants alone in cribs.

Of course the coroner states that co-sleeping increases the risk of SIDS, despite studies showing quite the opposite.  Scare tactics are still great ways to sheep people into doing what you want them to do. Tell parents it will kill their children, even if there is no proof that it will or research that it might be safer, and the natural instinct to protect one’s children will kick in. If only parents were presented with facts instead of fears.

co-sleeping, cosleeping

To continue my Co-sleeping and Breastfeeding theme from earlier I wanted to touch on a news story that is gaining a lot of attention lately. Crib deaths linked to common bacteria.

Researchers have pinpointed two common bacteria that may contribute to crib deaths, even when infants show no sign of tissue damage.

Post-mortem tests on more than 500 babies found high levels of Staphylococcus aureus and Escherichia coli in babies who died for unexplained reasons, a team from Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children in London said on Friday.

One explanation could be that the bacteria release deadly toxins, which damage the young heart, lungs or nervous system.

But bacterial growth may also be a secondary effect of other known risk factors like over-heating, parental smoking and lying a child on its stomach.

Crib death, also known as SIDS, is when babies stop breathing and die for unexplainable reasons in their sleep. Though often suffocation is lumped in with SIDS by people, they are not the same. True SIDS is the term given when doctors can find no reason for the child to have suddenly died.

This new finding has sparked heated debates across the web. Many parents are asking where is the link between the bacteria and the children. Some are asking about tainted formula or vaccines, while others are wondering if there is a defect that allows a bacteria found in everyone’s bodies to become so dangerous. One question that I read asked if there was a difference between those babies who were breastfed and those who were not in the numbers of SIDS cases and this bacteria.

It is sometimes touted that bottle fed infants have a higher risk of SIDS than those who are breastfed. Though the evidence so far is inconclusive, depending on who is doing the research, the connection between the two is certainly there. Especially when co-sleeping(pdf) is added to the mix. However, there is one important connection that I want to point out. The anti-bodies found in breastmilk. As Dr. Sears points out
(more…)

Since breastfeeding and co-sleeping go together so well I wanted to share these two pieces of news together.

Did you ever try co-sleeping with your babe? For a day, a week, a month, or longer? Are you still co-sleeping with your little, or not so little, ones. If so let yourself be counted in the co-sleeping survey going on right now. The purpose of the survey is to normalize co-sleeping in the public eye and show that a lot more parents are doing so than is assumed. I added in my nearly two years of co-sleeping time to the survey, four months for my oldest and eighteen months with my youngest.

I should also send you over to the Motherwear blog where Tanya is taking examples of breastfeeding funnies from your kids. What hilarious things have your kids said when it comes to breastfeeding. Think of it as “Kids Say the Darnest Things” boobs edition.

co-sleeping, breastfeeding, kids, parenting, attachment parenting

Over at Babble there was an interesting article on sleeping, specifically co-sleeping. The general idea is that co-sleeping leads to sleep problems in children. Apparently ignoring all the child who did not co-sleep that still have sleep problems and ignoring the ones who did co-sleep and had no problems. Luckily the comment section has several voices of reason in it.

How a person sleeps is such  an individual thing, and can be influenced by a thousand other issues. Diet, exercise, TV viewing, are among the things that influence sleeping habits. You also have to take into account each individual child’s personality. My oldest was a great sleeper from the minute he was born, my youngest hated sleep from the minute he was born. Interesting enough I’m a happy sleeper while their father stays up all night.

From talking regularly to others who co-sleep I have seen over and over again that there is no real pattern. Some kids sleep well, some do not. Some are ready to sleep all night by a few months, some might need a few years. Just as with potty training rushing a child too soon generally only leads to frustration.

While I know that co-sleeping does not work for everyone, making blanket statements about it in this way is a bit annoying. Those of us who have chosen that sleeping method probably know first hand the many insightful comments people can make when they disagree.

I do have to admit the bad taste in my mouth from one commenter who feels leaving an infant to cry for 45 minutes isn’t that bad. Maybe to an adult, though I’d be hard pressed to feel that if if my partner left me to cry that long alone I’d be so light about it, but for an infant or young child with no concept of time 45 minutes might as well be a lifetime. Especially when they are not mature enough to understand what is happening or why.

co-sleeping, sleep

Despite much of the research to the contrary the old idea that co-sleeping is dangerous just will not go away. I recently stumbled upon a blog, that I refuse to link to because it was horrible, where the writer ranted on for pages and pages making claims that attachment parenting was abuse. From reading his claims it became very obvious that person did not understand what AP really is, and possibly the person has no children of his own as he did not seem to understand normal childhood development.

On of the claims that really stuck out was that “61 children die annually from co-sleeping”. This was given as proof that AP is dangerous and abusive. Frankly it just made me laugh.

First of all, where is the data? I did a few Google searches and could not find that number given. Did he mean nationally or locally? In his state, county, or city? I don’t know, no further information was given. But let’s assume, for the sake of the arguement, that this number is correct and that he means nationally.

1. Only 61? Really? Compared to the number of children who die nationally in their cribs I think we’re doing pretty good.
2. Co-sleeping does not automatically equal attachment parenting. There are many parents who are not AP yet co-sleep for a variety of reasons (pdf). Often for just a night or two if the child is ill, or the family is in a hotel with no access to a crib, or the parents just fall asleep on accident. Which leads to…
3. Of those 61 deaths what were the parents doing? Were they co-sleeping safely? Were the parents under the influence of alcohol or drugs? Where they obese? Did they pile on blankets and pillows? The number of children who die annually from car crashes because they were not properly restrained is higher than this, yet we teach parents to do so safely rather than claim all parents who drive with their kids are abusive.

I just found this claim to be laughable and easily refuted by common sense. Sadly, the number of comments who agree with and support the writer shows how uncommon common sense really is.

[tags]co-sleeping[tags]

There area few celebrity moms that I just love. Gwen Stephani being one. From her stylish sling that Kingston got to rock (and hopefully number 2 will enjoy as well) to her breastfeeding comments, Gwen has just stood out to me as a mom I would love to know. Angelina Jolie was another mom who wore her kids and loves co-sleeping. Family snuggles in the bed are so relaxing. Charlotte Church is another mom who’s homebirthing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping attitude made me smile.

Unfortunately not all celeb moms feel the same way. There are some who think it is perfectly fine to hand their newborns over to someone else while they jump back into their careers or begin training for marathons.  I know that many say all mothers are attached, but sometimes I wonder about some mothers. How attached are you when you can say “OK, here you go, I’ve got to get back to the gym now”. Marathon training isn’t just half an hour or an hour every other day. That is a huge piece of your time, time that your children are not getting.

I’m just sad that instead of spending time with her newborn twins she’s spending time with a personal trainer. Rather than make her kids proud by being a good mother she wants to make them proud by being in good shape.

Yes we’re all mothers, and yes we should support each other as mothers. But that does not mean we have to agree with or even like what other mothers choose to do. And we can be vocal in our opposition while still not taking away their right to make those kinds of choices.

So what celeb moms do you look up to? Which ones are influential in all the right ways?

parenting, attachment parenting, celebrity moms, celebrities

I found this article called Co-Sleeping: Bad Habit, or Handy Tool in the Parenting Toolkit? The mother shares her nighttime struggles with her daughter and how they have resorted to whatever works to get some sleep, including co-sleeping. I think that for many people there is this fear that if you co-sleep your child will never leave your bed. Of course it is silly to say “never” about any thing, but is still a common remark made.

The main problem is that no one, including the person saying it, really believes the child will never leave their parents bed. Perhaps they will want to co-sleep longer than what society considers “normal”, but even that still is not never. For some children they just need a longer time to adjust to new things, including sleeping alone. We would not say “if you start feeding your child he’ll never feed himself” or “if you dress your child he’ll never dress himself”. Both of those ideas seem silly to most of us. Of course the child will learn to do those things someday when he’s ready. And so the “if you don’t make him sleep alone now he never will” thought goes.

Despite cultural norms sleeping alone is not really normal. Imagine a primitive mother putting her young child to sleep alone. She would wake in the morning to find some animal had came along and eaten her baby while she slept alone. There is also the role that co-sleeping has in breastfeeding. Many children are not physically ready to sleep through the night without food, despite their parents wanting them to be. Just as you cannot potty train a child who is not ready and expect it to work, sleep training a child who has not matured enough to sleep through the night will bring tears and frustration.

Each child develops in their own pace, and with that their co-sleeping needs will be different. There is no “one size fits all” model of when it’s OK to force a child to sleep on their own. And don’t worry, despite what some may say no child will still be sleeping next to you every night forever. Sooner or later they’ll move out.

Resources:

• Making It Work: Guidelines for Safe Co-Sleeping
• Dr. James McKenna’s Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory, University of Notre Dame
• Where Should Babies Sleep at Night?: A Review of the Evidence from the CESDI SUDI Study
• Rethinking “Healthy” Infant Sleep
• Collection of articles on co-sleeping

cosleeping, co-sleeping, family bed, sleep, children, infants, parenting