The Attached Mother

If you have not read it yet there is a great review on the book Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Dr. Sarah J. Buckley up over at Tiny Grass. The birth junkies out there will most likely love this one. According to Trish

I am not exaggerating when I say that Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering is the most enjoyable book on birth and mothering that I have read, ever. At least so far. Some of my other favorites include Immaculate Deception II and Spiritual Midwifery. The first, in my opinion, does an excellent job of describing the research behind all the possible interventions that some women use in labor, and the second tends to speak to the more spiritual and sexual side of birth. But Buckley’s book is excellent because she does an amazing job of combining those two concepts - the medical and the spiritual, and finding how they intersect and/or interfere with each other. Also, unlike Spiritual Midwifery, in which Ina May Gaskin publishes the individual birth stories of a lot of women, Buckley’s book describes, in a very personal way, her own birth stories. I very much enjoyed the fact that I could read about the author’s own personal story at the same time as she writes essays on how women across the world have dealt with the issues surrounding birth.

It sounds like a great book to add to your personal library. To read the rest of the review click over to Tiny Grass.

book review

I love getting my dose of sanity in my email box with The Daily Groove. Here’s the latest one that I’ve been reading over and over.

:: WWCD: What Would a Child Do? ::

A popular Christian slogan is “WWJD: What Would Jesus Do?” This is an excellent question for Christian parents to ask as Jesus honored children, promoted nonviolence, and embodied unconditional love.

Anyone you consider to be loving and wise can help you connect with your Inner Wisdom in this way:

* What would the Dalai Lama do?
* What would my great aunt Sally do?
* What would Mister Rogers do?
* What would my dog do? (Seriously!)

Another great source of wisdom is *children*, who constantly present us with opportunities to let go of limiting beliefs:

* A child would care more about feeling good than being “right.”
* A child would look for the FUN in every situation.
* A child would be open to miracles.
* A child would be authentic.

Today, include children’s wisdom in your decision-making by asking yourself, “What would a child do?”

So what would you child do when faced with various situations? How would they react to a struggle for something they really want, pressure to be something they are not, or dealing with someone different than them? Go back in time to the innocent toddler years before they were shaped and molded by their environment too much. The answer is most likely a simple one but it gets clouded over.

If you can’t imagine what your child would do why not just ask them? You might be surprised by what you can learn.

parenting

A new website for attachment parenting and natural family living is under construction right now, but looks great so far. Closer to Nature is a new site being put together by Associated Content writer Heather B. Closer to Nature has a great collection of articles already on site on babywearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping, and more. The writers being collected are a very knowledgeable bunch with a lot of great information to share. And I’m not just saying that because my articles are being linked.

There is also a forum for Closer to Nature readers to go to and discuss parenting with like minded people. Or you can join in the chat room for real time discussion on attachment parenting and natural family living.

You can read Heather’s own words about her new site Closer to Nature here and get a feel for what this site will bring to the attachment parenting community online. If you are interested in having some of your articles shared on the site read the writing requirements first. Remember the site is still under construction, I am sure in the coming weeks there will be so much more coming on. I would love to see a Pipe created where readers can share their own AP/NFL posts via del.icio.us or a way to share favorite articles.

For a new site it still seems to have gotten off to a great start. I hope you all will check out Closer to Nature and the articles shared there yourself.

attachment parenting, natural family living, Closer to Nature, website, parenting, writing

There are so many great books out there for AP parents to read. Some are great, some are good, and some aren’t worth your time. I have several personal favorites, books that I keep on my shelf and go back to time and time again. I thought it would be great to share my list of the top picks and why they are my favorites. I’ll link each book to Amazon.com so you can check them out yourself. Happy reading!

The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two - Dr. Sears This is the, pardon the pun, mother of all baby books. Written by the AP guru Dr. Sears, The Baby Books is full of all the tips, advice, and suggestions that new mothers need.

Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care for Your Baby and Young Child - Katie Allison Granju This is another great resource for new parents who are unsure what to do. The information is laid out easily and the answers are clear and well defined.

The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost - Jean Liedloff While there are some issues with the book that certainly date it to it’s time, such as the outdated ideas on homosexuality, the pieces of wisdom shared in the book are still beautiful. It is a great look at happiness and peace and has inspired many parents to look at their own family.

Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times - Zoe Weil This was one of the first books I ever read after my oldest was born, and I still turn to it when in need of comfort. Parents hoping to raise their children peacefully will appreciate the ideas presented, which I feel takes Dr. Sear’s ideas for babies and toddlers and expands them onto older children.

The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart - Jan Hunt This book explains simply and clearly what most AP parents know, how we treat our children determines how they will grow. A detached childhood grows a detached adult.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-child Relationships from Reaction And Struggle to Freedom, Power And Joy - Naomi Aldort, Ph.D. Many people think that Attachment Parenting only works when their children are infants. This book takes those same parenting concepts and moves them into raising older children, and also helps parents see their own limitations and issues.

Playful Parenting - Lawrence Cohen Though not considered an Attachment Parenting book the ideas in here of playing and fun as the connection between parent and child are worth reading. I think this is great for any parent struggling with discipline as it shows ways to connect and love to build a relationship with your child. Guiding rather than discipling is often a huge struggle for AP parents.

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason - Alfie Kohn I would like to suggest every Alfie Kohn book, but if you can only read one this would be it. You’ll find yourself taking a good, long look at the traditional parenting techniques such as threats, bribes, rewards, and time out.

Baby Matters: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Caring for Your Baby - Linda F. Palmer DC This is a wonderful little book to have on hand if you are wondering why certain things are suggested or when naysayers pipe up to chide you on your choices. It is packed full of research on everything from co-sleeping to baby wearing to breastfeeding. A valuable resource to have.

Natural Family Living : The Mothering Magazine Guide to Parenting -Peggy O’Mara Written by the editor and publisher of Mothering Magazine this is a good general book for family life beyond just attachment parenting. Topics such as nutrition, television watching, education, and more are discussed.

I’m sure everyone’s list is different, but these are the books that have helped and guided me the most. These are all more general books, though there are many great books that focus more on select topics such as breastfeeding or co-sleeping. I may try to share some of them later this week for anyone looking for books on certain topics. If you have any book recommendations let me know.

books, attachment parenting, parenting, parenting books

I don’t usually follow celebrity gossip but The turn around of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden with the birth of their little girl has been something I’ve watched a bit. My interest was really sparked when Nicole mentioned breastfeeding during an interview. Her comments, taken out of context at the time that I read them, made breastfeeding out to be a horrible burden. It was only later when I read them again in the context of her child having food sensitivities that I stopped scowling when her name came up.

“There’s just so much I can’t eat because she’s sensitive”, Nicole states. “I eat really bland [food] – chicken noodle soup, vegetables, fish. I had to cut out milk, no tomatoes, no lettuce. You think you have to cut everything out when you’re pregnant, but you really have to cut everything out when you’re breastfeeding”

Then I found another interview with the happy parents has started another debate on parenting. According to Joel he and Nicole are very opposite in parenting. She keeps Harlow on a schedule, while he admits to being the one who gets her out of the crib when she is crying. The comments section of Celebrity Baby went alive with people adding their thoughts to the ideas of spoiling a baby, wants verses needs, and self soothing in young infants. Here are a few of the comments: (more…)

In the latest issue of Mothering magazine there was apparently a good article called “Being a Parenting Original”. I say apparently, because, well I don’t read Mothering anymore. So I can’t give my opinion on the piece. Luckily another great mom did read it and wrote a compelling post about it. Tiffany of the Nature Moms Blog has a post up When Your Parenting Style Goes Against the Grain. For a lot of AP parents they often find their parenting style is against the grain of what is considered “normal” in today’s society.

Even if you did not read the article in Mothering it is still worth it to visit Tiffany’s blog and read her great post. Especially if you find yourself having doubts from time to time, and what parent doesn’t. We have all been there, faced with our culture’s opinion that seems to fly in the face of everything we feel and know. It can be hard not to just back down and do what everyone else is doing if for nothing more than to finally stop the naysayers.

Get used to being different! Be compassionate about why others see things as they do but you can be respectful AND stand your ground. You KNOW that you are making the right decisions…just trust your mommy instincts. And trust me your complete confidence in your choices will make others start to second guess themselves. You’re an original baby…be loud and proud!

If you are not yet a member Mothering also has a discussion board where you can talk about the current issue with like minded mamas. The boards are free to join and you can find a wealth of information on every topic from breastfeeding to raising teenagers. Even if you do not consider yourself to be into attachment parenting you are sure to find something there that you will like. Who knows, you might even learn a few new tricks.

Mothering, Mothering magazine, family, parenting

This morning on The View, Whoopi Goldberg joked with Elisabeth Hasselbeck that she would be giving her a breast pump and that it is “the gift that keeps on giving.”  Funny and true.

It made me think of the breastfeeding mothers who are so dedicated to making sure that their babies receive breast milk that they pump when, for a variety of reasons, they cannot physically breastfeed their babies.

When my oldest was a baby we had latch problems.  I was determined that he should have breast milk instead of formula so I took out my brand new Medela and got to work.  It was awful.  I got about two ounces in 20-30 minutes.  Eventually he was able to latch on enough to get what he needed.

When I returned to work part time when he was six weeks old I would spend my short lunch break in the “nursing mothers’ room” pumping away.  I never produced much and three weeks later his daycare teacher was calling me at work asking me to come nurse him because he was going through 16 ozs in three hours. By the time he was 10 weeks old I had transitioned to working from home and put away my pump.

I didn’t bring it out at all for my second son and only once or twice (with the same pitiful results) with my third.

Mother who pump exclusively blow my mind.  What dedication!  What strength!  Working mothers who pump for their babies (sometimes in less than comfortable environments) are incredible.  Moms pumping for their precious preemies are extraordinary.

If you know a proud pumping mama, give her a pat on the back and let her know what an amazing breastfeeding mother she is! 

Recently on a message board that I frequent there was a post about the way that AP’ers tend to perceive any other type of parenting as harmful to children.  I like to call these sort of attachment parents “AP fundies”.  They remind me of Christian fundamentalists with their zealous preaching of the AP way and their judgment of other non-AP parents.  And just like the Christian fundies, these AP pushers are apt to turn other parents off from even the slightest interest in attachment parenting.

These parents have a genuine passion for attachment parenting and that is wonderful.  Attachment parenting can be difficult at times and that passion helps parents to carry on with their chosen parenting style come hell or high water.  Unfortunately, these passionate AP’ers also tend to feel sorry for any child who is not breastfed, co-sleeping, sling-worn, unschooled or, heaven forbid, not being raised by a stay at home parent.

These moms often find that having friends “in real life” is difficult because they can’t seem to get over the fact that one friend is a formula feeder and the other spanks her children and the next one can’t imagine co-sleeping.  Having a friend who is a working mother is out of the question because they couldn’t possibly have anything in common.

While there is absolutely nothing wrong and everything right with having friends who share your beliefs and values, writing off someone you barely know based solely on their parenting decisions is foolish.  These mothers lose opportunities to show others how well a healthy attachment can work because they isolate themselves with only like-minded parents.  Many parents don’t understand attachment parenting or how it works and especially how it looks.  The chance to show another parent that without having to engage in a conversation about parenting is priceless.

A tea party for Suri Cruise.  So sweet!

Little Bean is 21 months now and at that fun age where being outside is better than a bag of candy.  First thing in the morning he starts with “side? side?”.  If that doesn’t work he brings me his shoes.  Now that the mornings are colder I know he won’t be out for long before wanting to come back inside so I try to postpone our outdoor play until the sun has warmed our backyard.  When I finally open the door he rushes out into the day and immediately begins to explore.  Rocks, sticks, leaves and dirt are picked up and examined closely and, when he thinks I’m not looking, he may even attempt to get a taste of his treasures.

Moving their large muscles and burning off excess energy is very important for the health and growth of children.  I can tell when my first grader hasn’t had any time to play outside during his school day.  My younger two are crankier and restless and bored when they have not had adequate time outdoors.  Many times a tantrum from my toddler can be stopped immediately with the suggestion of going outside to play.

So what’s a kid (and a mom!) to do when the weather does not allow for outdoor play?  Get creative!  Turn off the television and engaged your child in some aerobic activities.  Do jumping jacks and run in place.  Collect rocks on a nice day and put them away to paint on a rainy or cold day.  Sit beside the window and play “I spy”.  Draw pictures of the beach or use craft sand to make beach pictures.  Play indoor hide and seek.

Keep those muscles moving and those minds busy and you can make it through a day or two of not being able to play outside.  As soon as you can, get them out of the house and don’t let a beautiful day pass without some outdoor fun!

Parenting under the snow! 

My husband and I live an hour from our nearest relatives.  When I was a new mother, I had very few friends who were also mothers and of those friends none were of the attachment parenting mindset. Breastfeeding my first son proved to be extremely difficult and excruciatingly painful.  Not a day went by that I didn’t want to give up until at last we got it right around 12 weeks after we started.

Most of my information about breastfeeding was found online.  I knew that there was a breastfeeding support group at the hospital where my son was born, but I was too proud to admit that I was having such troubles.  Why?  Well, breastfeeding is natural and I felt like the problems we were having with latching were some indication that I was not a natural at mothering.  Only my husband knew my struggles and even that embarrassed me.

I think the same thing happens with attachment parenting moms, sometimes, too.  Attachment parenting can be difficult.  We assume that if we love our children enough we will live a zen-like existence with them, meeting their needs calmly and efficiently, speaking to them in sweet voices and marveling at their free spirit as they test boundaries over and over.

When the days inevitably do not flow well and frankly you feel like turning your back on your tantruming one year old telling your seven year old and four year old to fend for themselves and walking right out the door, you instead suffer through and end up feeling like a failure or a bad mother because you ever had such feelings in regards to your precious little ones.  We’ve all done it.  If you haven’t yet and you have more than one child, someday you will.

Many of us don’t want to admit that these days happen.  Many of us don’t want to admit that they happen often. I believe the reason for that is isolation.  Many stay at home moms are alone for most of the day with several young children. When they do get together with other moms, many are not of the attachment parenting mindset.

When an exhausted new mom needs sympathy about her 9 month old who is waking throughout the night, her non-AP friends will tell her to try CIO because it worked for them and little Johnny has been sleeping through the night since 2 months old!  That’s not what the AP mom needs.  She needs moms who share her beliefs and parenting practices and have been in similar situations with their own children.  She needs moms who can talk her through the frustration and promise her that is life on the other side of her particular issue.

Unfortunately I have not found a lot of local attachment parenting support even through my La Leche League group. You might have better luck in your area and should give it a try. Another place to find local attachment parenting moms is through Attachment Parenting International.  Look through the MeetUp.com groups, also.

Since most of my AP support has been found online here are my favorite online communities of AP moms:

Gentle Christian Mothers
Mothering
Earth-Mother-Child

Carnival of Sahms 

I may have talked about this before, but I feel it’s an important subject to discuss.  We, in the AP community, tend toward a “crunchier” lifestyle at times.  This means that homeopathic remedies are preferable to medicine much of the time.  I agree with a natural approach and that the right combination of earthly food and supplements can create optimal health.  However, there is something that bothers me greatly about the refusal of many “granola” moms to skip the anti-depressants when there is clearly a problem.

Parenting is hard.  The amount of parenting it takes to raise the attached family is phenomenoly harder than usual.  We give, give, give and sure we get the joy of our families in return, but sometimes we also give out.  We are pregnant and nursing and tandem nursing and pregnant again.  Our weight is up and down.  We’re always in the practice of forcing ourself to respond in a way that might not be how we were taught as children.  It’s a lot of work.  With hormones rising and falling and washing to and fro and guilt and lack of sleep it’s absolutely no wonder that many of us end up depressed.

Many of us AP moms don’t want our children to be taken care of by anyone else and we find ourself solely  responsible for our brood day in and day out.  Many times we are stay at home mom and our husband are working a great number of hours to support a family on one income.  It’s not easy.

But when we find ourselves yelling at the children, wishing for a break or not feeling as connected to them as we’d like we often don’t even realize that depression has set in.  Once we do we reach for the extra vitamins or a tincture of this or that.  We try to practice yoga in the sunlight with children close by and wonder why we’re never really able to meditate.

I think we forget the purpose of attachment parenting sometimes.  I know we definitely forget–or don’t believe–that keeping ourselves emotionally healthy will help our children to grow healthy too.  For those of you who have found that a tweak in your supplements drives away your blues, then great!  For those who are relentlessly trying homeopathic remedy after homeopathic remedy and your depression or anxiety isn’t going away, go see a doctor.  Medicine is not completely evil.  Medicine could help you be the mother you know you could be if you felt well.

I feel that I’m getting a little preachy here so I will close.  I hope that some mother who is depressed and struggling to stay afloat in parenting will read this and get help.

And speaking of medicine.  Hmm . . .

So, cough medicine is bad for our little ones.  Not surprisingly, of course.  I have rarely given my children cough medicine because they haven’t *knock on wood* had bad coughs.  I do give cold medicine for stuffy noses, though.  It seemed to work.  Maybe I was wrong.  I likely won’t give it anymore since pseudo ephedrine is hard to find and the “new formula” really doesn’t seem to work at all.

I will look to more natural method of unstuffy-ing those little stuffy noses!

Saline nose drops (Little Noses makes one) works well.  It has a horrible aftertaste when it hits the back of the throat, though.  Also, have you ever tried to put liquid in your child’s nose?  If so, you have probably ended up covered in said liquid plus a generous helping of snot.  If the saline nose drops work for you and your child without unnecessary mess and trauma, then they are a great solution to cold medicine.  If not, there are a few other things to try. (Note, I’m speaking of saline nose drop and not medicated nasal spray.)

Vapor rub is another safe alternative to children’s cold medicine.  It clear up stuffy noses quickly.  Be sure to never put it in your or your child’s nostrils.  Use it on the chest and leave clothing loose.

Try a vaporizer with a little vapor medicine in the medicine cup.  Humidifiers trickle steam into a room and help to open the nose and calm a cough.

Give your child a warm bath or snuggle them in the bathroom while the shower runs hot and creates lots of steam.  Don’t put them in the hot shower, of course, but keep them close to the outside of the shower door so that they can get the quick effects of the steam.

Want to write for 451Press?  There is a opening at the Parenting Toddlers blog.

Bug made the A honor roll!  Yesterday was his first report card for the first grade. Of course, we didn’t doubt that he’d do well because the work he’s brought home has had good marks.  However, he did make a few careless mistakes on two papers that landed him with an “F” on one and a “C” on the other.  I wasn’t sure how they would pull down his average.  He wound up with his lowest report card grade of a 95 in that subject (language).

We are super proud of him, of course.  I know that right now it all comes easily.  By the fourth grade when there is a ridiculous amount of homework and tougher subjects it will take a lot more from us all.

I bet you’re wondering why on earth an attachment parent like myself would care so much about grades?  I support homeschooling and unschooling, especially.  I am an idealist and wish the whole world would take on the ideals of unschooling.  However, they haven’t yet and I am preparing my children for the rat race of the world they growing up in. I want them to have a competitive spirit.  I want them to want to be at the top of their class.  I want all that school outside of the home offers for them.  And when they are adults, if they want to leave that rat race behind, they will have been taught the idealism that I so strongly believe in.  They will know that other ways of life exist. They will know that the fast paced, competitive life is not the only way to live.  But if they choose that fast paced life, they will be well prepared for it.

My favorite home school blog.

Why can I not paint without getting paint in my hair?  I guess it’s for the same reason that I can’t paint without brushing again the wall at some point, creating a smudge and ruining my shirt.

I’ve been decorating the boys’ rooms.  Bug has a lovely blue room with a Thomas and Friends theme.  Bear has a green room with a Sponge Bob Theme.  Bug’s room looks like sky and Bear’s like water.  They love it.

We’re also in the process of “changing clothes”.  This time of year it begins to be cool in the mornings and warm in the afternoons.  It requires Fall/Winter clothing to start the day and Spring/Summer clothing to finish it out.  Very frustrating for me!  I have the Fall/Winter clothing hanging and the Spring/Summer stuff folded in laundry baskets.  Hopefully within the next three weeks we’ll be completely in our Fall/Winter “stuff”.

Well, this week is quickly coming to an end.  Today is report card day for Bug and Bear and Bean have preschool. We have soccer all day Saturday and no plans for Sunday.

It’s been a great week.  With Bug’s time off from school on Monday and Tuesday we were able to enjoy some one-on-one time.  My husband took off work yesterday and today and the boys had a blast playing soccer and “horseplay” with him.  It’s just been an easy-breezy week.  I hope for more like these before the rush of the holidays hits us again.

Check out this video contest about what’s great about homeschooling.

Last week my six year old came in from a soccer game and sat down at the computer.  I had already told him on the way into the house that it was time to eat dinner and then get ready for bed.  I reminded him that it was not computer time and that he needed to eat or get ready for a shower.  He replied with “Whatever.”  I walked over to turn the computer off and told him again that he needed to eat or take a shower.  He got up and said, “Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever!” and went to his room.  I took away computer privileges for the next day and we continued on with our evening.

Now, many gentle parents would say that what I did was punitive.  In fact, I do feel that it was.  I don’t feel that his behaviour (very typical six year old sassiness) should have gone uncorrected, but after much thought and the with the advice of several others moms who have been through this stage before I feel that I could have handled it differently.

I could have taken the  “Playful Parent” path.  Upon the first whatever I could have walked over to him and “hugged away the whatevers”.  He would have laughed and not felt threatened.  I should have taken that opportunity to remind him of the correct way to speak to others.

I could have asked him to “try again” and given him the correct words to say instead of “whatever”.

Because he did get off of the computer I don’t feel that taking away computer privileges was a good logical consequence. We have already discussed what will happen if he does not stop using the computer when “computer time” is over.  He has never given me a problem with stopping computer use at the right time.

The next day we talked about why I took away his computer privileges and about the correct way to talk to others.  I allowed him to use the computer and have not since had any problems with him speaking to me in that way.

I think sometimes parents feel threatened by the words or way or speaking that children might use.  Instead of taking the opportunity to teach them the correct way to do things, we are quick to dole out the punishment in order to prevent future issues.  It doesn’t work, though.

Be sure that you are modeling appropriate responses for your children.  The next day I found myself irritated by something on television and I muttered “Whatever” and turned the TV off.  It dawned on me that this was not the first time I’d done something similar.  Perhaps, between my behaviour, seeing his friends at school doing this and anything he might have picked up from a kids’ show on TV, he saw nothing wrong in replying with “whatever”.

This post is interesting!  I can’t wait for the follow up.  Fwiw, I agree.  Why can’t he write his own excuse?