The Attached Mother

Have you seen Hathor the Cow Goddess? If not, take a peek and the funniest mom . . . er, cow? you’ll ever meet.  Hathor the Cow Goddess, a superhero who makes milk, takes on mainstream parenting with a dash of humor and common sense.

Heather Cushman-Dowdee is the artist responsible for Hathor the Cow Goddess.  Heather is an artist in LA and has written books and articles about attachment parenting.

Here is an article by Heather in Families for Conscious Living.   While I don’t always agree with her methods, her approach is “be the change you want to see in the world” and I like that.  She doesn’t mind the looks, stares and whispers as long as she is showing other moms and dads how to more peacefully and naturally parent their precious children. While she touts a “this way is best” attitude that can be seen as abrasive to some, her heart is in the right place and her passion is to be commended.

As for Hathor The Cow Goddess, she can be seen in comics ranging from the subjects of breastfeeding and childbirth to parenting politics and unschooling.  The archives date back to 2002 and there is plenty to read from the “natural” perspective of parenting.  Many attachment parents will find themselves giggle and nodding in agreement to the Cow Goddess’s words.

Hathor The Cow Goddess can also be found in books and a calender. Read about the unassisted birth of her Heather’s daughter Gwyneth here.

Check out our resident breastfeeding blogger here!

Sometimes I feel guilty because I have to split my time among my three beautiful boys.  There is never enough time to do all of the things that I want to do with them.  I try to give them as much individual time as I can.

During the week, Bug is in school and that allows me one on one time with Bear since Bean is still too young to do more than be along for the ride.  We read, play and eat together.

Every Monday morning while Bear is at preschool Bean and I hang out together.  Yesterday we ran errands and then went to the park.  Watching him play without his brothers around is fun.  He has no one to keep up with and gets to spend as much time as he wants on each activity.

It’s a little more difficult to carve out time alone with Bug.  He’s in school all day and weekends are not only shared with his brothers, but we have lots to accomplish.  Last Friday night I decided that it was time for a mommy/ Bug sleepover.  We piled into the guest bedroom to read books and watch TV and talk, talk, talk.  Granted, he was tired from the busy week and ordered “light’s out” by 8:15. (yeah, the kid doesn’t skimp on sleep! He regulates himself very well in that department.).

It was wonderful to have that time with him, uninterrupted by the needs and requests of his brothers or the other demands that I face during the day.  It let him know that even though he has to wait his turn or face disappointment at times because he is not an only child, I still want to spend as much as time as I can focusing only on him.  We’re planning another sleep over soon.

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Here is an interesting post about being a slacker mom.

Are you a martyr or a mother? Be honest! I think many of us attached types find ourselves falling into the martyr trap. It’s so easy to do. You just want the best for your children and since they were given to you, only you can do what’s best for them.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in the ideals of attachment parenting that we try to uphold each and every one to the detriment of our own health and sanity. Okay, so I’m speaking for myself, but I know I’m not alone. When I learned to relax and stopped attempting to do everything, I became a better parent. My attachment to my children became more natural and less about what rules I must follow to be an attached mother.

Relax and live in the moment with your children. Take a break when you can. Don’t take on too many outside activities if your child needs you more at the time. Don’t feel guilty if you need to leave your child with a trusted care-taker while you do something for yourself.

Take care of you so that you can take better care of your children!

On the flip side, don’t let others convince you that you need to leave your child if you are not feeling burned out.  You know if you need time away.  In the same way that you should not feel guilty for taking time when you need, you also shouldn’t feel guilty if others suggest that your child needs the socialization of a little day care or to spend more time with grandmother.  You know if your child needs those things or not.

Listen to yourself and your body.  Cutting yourself some slack will mean that your children have a happier mother. A happier mother translates into a more healthily attached mother.

And before I go. . .here’s a cute post.

What does attachment parenting look like for your baby when he or she is no longer a baby?  What do you do to keep the bond strong after your child has weaned, prefers to run free instead of being carried in the sling and maybe even sleeps in his or her own bed?

Gentle, positive discipline (which starts at birth) is the next step.  A continuance of the gentle way that you have already taught your baby by responding to his or her needs is imperative in order to maintain the relationship you have created.  Nothing makes me sadder than a gentle babyhood turned into punitive toddler or preschool years.

Discipline (which means “to teach” and does not mean “to punish” ) is of ultimate importance. It is our job as parents to teach our children about life and about which actions are acceptable and which are harmful to themselves and other.  This job can be accomplished through gentle discipline.

Detrimental to the attachment relationship and the emotional growth of our children is punitive parenting.  Children need to learn cause and effect and that every single action has either a positive or negative consequence or sometimes both.  Yelling and spanking are not necessary in order to teach our children and in fact may make our message to them lost altogether.

This is not to say that we won’t make mistakes and resort to reactive behaviors like spanking and yelling.  Filling the discipline toolbox with enough options can make obsolete the need and even the desire to spank and yell.

Next week I will post resources and ideas for filling your gentle discipline toolbox.

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If you haven’t checked out the Parenting Toddlers blog, please do!  Rebecca, mother of four (soon to be six!) has taken over the toddler blog.  She has a lot of experience and insight to share.

Last night after his soccer game, Bug received several compliments on his goalie skills.  (Yeah, he’s good :p)  He grinned and twisted his hair.  I told him to say thank you but he said (loud enough for us all to hear) “I’m too shy!”.  Everyone chuckled and I gave him a hug and we moved on.

Later I briefly wondered if I’d done the right thing by not insisting that he say thank you.  I came to the conclusion that I definitely had done the right thing.

Bug is not a rude child.  He says please and thank you regularly.  He is shy and having to speak to adults can be intimidating.  I have witnessed other parents forcing their children to say “please” and “thank you” or even to respond to a  “hello” from an adult.  I’ve seen children clam up and be near tears over a simple greeting.  What is the point of forcing a child into politeness?

I feel it is good discipline to remind a child to practice being courteous. I feel it is misled parenting to insist (much to the embarrassment of the child, the parent and the other adults involved) that a shy child be courteous.

Led by example!  When someone compliments you or performs a service for you, say thank you.  Use your manners and your child will see.  Be courteous and your child will learn how to be courteous also.

Reflect your child’s feelings.  Simply say, “I know you are feeling shy.  Adults can be intimidating.  Remember that being a polite person is something to be proud of.”  Let your child make the decision to be polite.  Remind them if they need it but don’t force them into courtesy.  It will backfire.

Another thing to consider is your own feelings. You probably feel embarrassed when your child forgets to say please, thank you or excuse me.  You feel it is a reflection on you and your parenting skills.  This might make you want to show that you DO, in fact, teach your child socially acceptable behaviour.  But, it’s not all about you.  You can make a lasting negative impression on your child by forcing them into politeness or you can be gentle with them and give them encouragement to try again next time.

Unrelated to my post, but still important, please check out this link.

Recently there have been some changes (for the better!) here at 451Press and I am using this week to gear up for those changes.  I have been given incentive to write a better quality blog and am excited for the future of The Attached Mother.

I will be back to posting on Monday.  See you then!

Check out this  forum and have a great weekend!

Bear is four today.  What a fast four years it has been.  On Valentine’s Day of 2003 we first saw him, looking like a tiny teddy bear, on ultrasound.  His was the first successful pregnancy after a loss and I feel like I waited forever for him.  I still tell him, “I’m so glad you’re finally here.”  He was two days past due (I know, I know.  That’s not long at all, but the others came before their due date.) and was my easiest, quickest labor.

He is happy to be four and woke up before his brothers and is sitting with me now.  I even let him watch The Wiggles.  TV is usually a no-no before school, but today I’ll make an exception for the birthday boy.

Happy Birthday, sweet Bear!

Every now and then I like to remind myself and readers who may be new to this blog or new to AP’ing what attachment parenting is.  These are the eight principles of attachment parenting.

AP moms, I think we sometimes forget the last principle and become martyrs.  Don’t let that happen to you.  It’s not healthy for you or your children.

Check out Earth-Mother-Child!  It’s just getting started, but it’s going to be a great forum for AP moms to connect on a variety of subjects.

I love this song.  When I get too busy and need some perspective, this song does it.  I tear up a little thinking about the small hours I’ve discounted or missed out on because I was running here or there.  I should play this song on repeat all day long to keep the words in my mind.  Our lives are made of these small hours.

Bug has a birthday party, Bear and Bean must go along, too, as the hubby will be working all weekend.  Little Bean is teething and will require a lot of time on mommy’s hip.  The party will give me a break while they play.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Even though Labor Day has passed and school has been in session for over a month now, we’re still plagued with unbearable hot temperatures in these parts.  Soon, though, within another 6 weeks, we’ll see the leaves turning and the temperatures will allow me to pull out the Fall clothes that are packed away, tags still on, waiting, waiting for Autumn temperatures to arrive.

I have nothing debatable to post about today. I’m running from errand to chore trying to get it all done in time for a PTO meeting tonight.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thursday.

I am nervous to hear the outcome of this story.  I hope her parent had nothing to do with this.

I had a stomach virus this weekend.  You can imagine what my house looks like right now given that I spent most of the day alternating between basic child care and laying down before I passed out.

I can’t even tell you what I’ll be posting about this week because I haven’t a clue.  I just want to feel better.  The ideas will come.

First soccer practices for Bug and Bear tonight.  It’s a dilemma.  I think Bean has my tummy bug but I have to go to Bear’s practice because Dh is coaching Bug’s team and has to be there.  These are things we don’t think about before having babies, now do we?  lol

I hope you all have a great week.   Soon as this sickness passes I know we will have a great one here.