The Attached Mother

I’ve noticed some rough spots in my parenting lately, getting frustrated and annoyed far easier than I should. I thought it was the perfect time to pick up a book that I read when my oldest was still a tiny baby, one that definitely helped guide how I wanted to parent. The book is Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times by Zoe Weil.

One of the beliefs I see spoken often in Attachment Parenting circles is that if we raise our children with respect and compassion they will learn to be respectful and compassionate. The opposite is often seen, raise a child with violence and they become violent is one example. So using the qualities we want them to hold is a great stepping stone towards them having those qualities themselves.

There is a story in the book that Weil shares about a boy with some physical and mental disabilities.  The boy loved basebal, and though his father would play in the yard with him, he wanted to play with the other kids on a real team. His father always held him back, afraid of how the other children might treat him. Finally one day he gives in and takes his son to the ball field. Rather than the teasing and torture he was afraid of the boys on both teams cheered the boy on, helped him to hit a home run, and applauded him around the bases.

Some people might roll their eyes at a story like this,  knowing full well how cruel and vicious some children can be. Anyone who has survived Junior High can often attest to it. But there are still moments of compassion left in the world. Look at this news story of a girl who, having finally hit her first home run, blew out her knee and could not run the bases. The opposing team members picked her up and carried her around the bases so that she could have her moment.

I’m not saying any of these children were or were not raised any certain way. Compassion springs forth in the best and worst people people at times. I do hold hope though that by working to share more compassion with my sons, every day, that I am planting seeds for more compassion to trickle out into the world.

parenting, compassion, attachment parenting

If you had not heard yet April 30th is National Spank Out day, a day dedicated to helping parents stop for a moment and think about spanking as a form of punishment for children. Most parents who use AP are against spanking and all forms of physical punishment. The respect and bond that we create can be broken by the pain and humiliation of hitting when a child steps out of line.

Many parents spoke up today and shared their thoughts on spanking and hitting. You can visit a running list of those parents at the Thinking Parents Wiki. Definitely check them all out and read their contributions to this topic. It’s still not too late to add in your own also.

You can read my short and to the point post in Spank Out Day where I share my reasons for choosing not to spank.  As well as a little pointing out that discipline does happen without spanking. After too many times of stating “I don’t spank” to have the response be “What, you don’t discipline your kids!” I’ve gotten tired of the idea that spanking and discipline are the same thing. Or even that punishment of any kind is the same as discipline.

If you have a post up about spanking, corporal punishment, or gentle discipline add yourself the the Thinking Parent Wiki page so that others can read it also. And leave me a comment about it also so I can come check it out. Happy National Spank Out Day!

spanking, parenting, discipline, children, National Spank Out Day

There is a study out right now that has a lot of parents talking. According to the study Spanking Raises Chances of Risky, Deviant Sexual Behavior.

Of course one has to wonder what “risky sexual behaviors, or even sexual deviancy” means. There are many people who question this kind of over-hyped claim. A quote from the article tells us

A meta-analysis of spanking studies conducted by Gershoff found 93 percent agreement among studies that spanking can lead to such problems as delinquent and anti-social behavior in childhood along with aggression, criminal and anti-social behavior and spousal or child abuse as an adult.

Yet aggression and anti-social behavior do not add up to risky sexual behavior. For many parents who do engage in sexual activities outside the normal range this study does not seem to add up. The examples later listed such as coercing a partner to have sex and sex without a condom are both risky, and in the case of coercion illegal, sexual practices. Yet including activities such as enjoying spanking during sex , presumably between two consenting adults, causes some parents to question the reliability of this study.

The problem is that in many cases what one calls deviant another does not. Of course there are many sexual activities that i think we all can agree are deviant, incest and pedophilia for examples. But there are also some that sit on a gray line. Spanking during sex between two consenting adults being one of those cases. There some who feel that homosexuality is deviant, yet I strongly doubt that it was childhood spankings that makes one so.

It would seem to me that a better title would be that “Spanking Leads To Aggressive Behavior”, something that is noted in the article. Focusing on the sexual aspects draws away from the important part of the study. Which is that spanking children is harmful.

• Does Spanking Equal Discipline?
• The Center For Effective Discipline
• Project NoSpank
• Gentle Christian Mothers
• 10 Reasons Not To Hit Your Child

spanking, children, discipline, gentle discipline