The Attached Mother

You might have heard about a new show that NBC is working on called The Baby Borrowers. Think Wife Swap, but with infants. The Baby Borrowers premiers this Wednesday the 25th at 9/8c. I for one will not be watching, but my heart will be breaking for the young infants left to cry with strangers for days, unable to understand why their parents have abandoned them. Though the show’s producers claim that the parents will simply be next door and able to step in as needed, their children are not old enough to grasp this at all. As you might have guessed there are many people, myself included, who think this is a horrible idea. Taking an infant from their parents, the people he or she has created a deep bond with, and just handing them over to a total stranger. This is a good idea?

Luckily there are people speaking up on behalf of the children, the ones being tossed off for ratings. Jan hunt of the Natural Child Project has issued an open letter to NBC and is encouraging others to join her as well. She explains the psychological damage a show of this nature could cause on children too young to grasp what is happening. While the parents might be able to understand that this is only for a short time the children certainly will not.

Jan is not the only one speaking up. Attachment Parenting International has called for a cancellation of the show and has asked others to urge NBC to stop this as well.

The Baby Borrowers

Sibling rivalry. It can be the bane of attachment parenting. Just when you think you have this gentle parenting thing down with one kid here comes another and the dynamic is completely changed. Suddenly they are fussing with each other, picking on each other, and doing all the things you were certain your kids would never do.

Trust me, I’ve been there. Been there? Try still there daily.

There are some things that you can do to ease the fighting and feuding of sibling rivalry. Set guidelines of what actions are acceptable and what ones are not. Give them room to express themselves in a space where they are not hurting the other. And be sure to let each one know that you love them individually, that they do not have to fight to compete for parental love or attention. Of course how you put those ideas to work in your day to day life will be up to you.

If you have a preschooler who is struggling with a sibling I have an article here on Preschoolers and Sibling Rivalry. In it I talk about a book that is a must read for families dealing with sibling rivalry no matter what age their kids are, Siblings Without Rivalry. I cannot say enough about how much this book has helped with me understand and deal with the fighting. Being an only child sibling rivalry completely threw me off, but the suggestions have worked beautifully for calming things down.

What are some of the tricks you use to deal with your kids fighting? Do you have any magic bullet that works to defuse the tension and relax everyone? If so do share! Good tips and advice are always welcome.

fighting, sibling rivalry, parenting

There can be a very fine line between discipline and abuse, a line that is crossed when spanking comes into play. Hitting, no matter what, should be considered child abuse. It is the act of an adult taking out their frustrations on someone much smaller, weaker, and emotionally unprepared. Even in the best circumstances it can be damaging to the child.

In Canada an anti-spanking bill has been passed by the Senate and is heading to the House of Commons. The bill is an attempt to remove a section of Canada’s criminal code that allows parents and caregivers to use “reasonable force” against their children. The problem is what exactly is reasonable force? Here ins the states a court ruled that it was reasonable parental disciple when a mother beat her son with an extension cord and left bruises. Clearly there is not one size fits all definition of what is reasonable and what is criminal.

There is an interesting article here discussing the anti-spanking bill and the differences between using force to hurt a child or to stop them from hurting themselves. For me the difference is between grabbing my child’s arm and pulling because they are touching something of mine or because they are running out into the street.

Corporal punishment is the use of physical force with the intention of causing a child to experience pain but not injury for the purposes of correction or control of the child’s behaviour.

The line between acceptable corporal punishment and dangerous physical abuse is usually drawn in the sand on a blustery day; there are no guidelines. Physical abuse is the infliction of physical injury through punching, kicking, beating, biting, burning, shaking or otherwise harming a child.

Whether a parent or caregiver did not intend to cause harm doesn’t make it more acceptable. In the end, it’s about one person asserting power over another and there’s nothing healthy in that dynamic.

There is another quote that I absolutely love, one that I wish more parents would think of when disciplining their children.

While immediate compliance is often what we’re after when we discipline, parents need to promote children’s ability to control their behaviour using internal controls because these are skills that are more important to long-term socialization.

We want children to behave well not because they don’t want to get hit, an external motivator, but because they have internalized socially appropriate ways of behaving. Knowing what the right way to behave is on the inside is enhanced by parental discipline strategies that use minimal parental power, promote choice and autonomy, and provide explanations for desirable behaviours.

In the end parents need to look honestly and completely at what they are doing when they choose to spank. What are they teaching their children about right and wrong? What are they teaching their children about power over and physical violence? And what are the long term possibilities.

spanking, abuse, Canada, anti-spanking bill

If you have not yet checked it out the June 2008 edition of Root and Sprout is out and worth checking out. For those who don’t know Root and Sprout is a great new online magazine that focuses on gentle, respectful parenting.

Green up your child’s playroom,  read some summer safety tips, or have fun making a sandbox for your kids to play in. And of course check out the Special Content section to read some great articles on fathers and fatherhood. Brew a pot of coffee and spend a few hours reading all of the great articles in this month’s edition.

If you think you have something to say don’t be shy, check out the guidelines on submitting your own articles. June 17th is the deadline to have your article featured in the next edition of Root and Sprout. We’re all experts in something, let your own voice be heard. Lis is looking for articles on how your family celebrates the Forth of July. Enjoy!

parenting

I stumbled upon a great site over the weekend called Parenting Science. It’s a parenting site for those with a more fact-based approach in their choices. The site is created and written by a woman named Gwen Dewar, Ph.D. Gwen is amazing. Just check out her bio to see the great list of credentials she brings to the table. Her training falls within anthropology, evolutionary psychology, and other similar areas. All of which she uses to look at babies and toddlers in terms of where they came from, rather than where modern society wants to stick them.

I am absolutely in love. For me attachment parenting always seemed like common sense because it best fit the basic needs of an infant. When I would hear someone call it a “new fad” I couldn’t help but cringe, most of the basic ideas of attachment parenting have been around longer than we have. All that humans have done is put our own spin on the concept. Gwen writes:

When I think about babies, for instance, I think about how babies and mothers have interacted over millions of years. I think of chimpanzee infants riding their mothers’ backs. I think of the many hours that nonhuman primates spend each day touching and grooming each other. I think of modern hunter-gatherers, and what their lifestyles might reveal about our ancestor’s parenting practices.

I think of the wide range of parenting styles that humans have developed throughout the world, and I know that the parenting practices associated with my culture—the 21st century, English-speaking West—are neither universal nor biologically-determined.

More generally, my scientific training has reinforced my natural skepticism. When I go to the doctor, I need to know what evidence supports the doctor’s advice. And I approach parenting the same way.

There are a small collection of articles already on the site that are worth checking out. The science of attachment parenting is one in particular that looks at attachment parenting practices through a scientific lens. I know that in my own experiences many of the negative responses are generally emotion-based. Often fear and guilt being the two major emotions that stir people to tell me how I am doing damage to my children without any solid evidence to that fact. This is an article to pull out in defense.

Parents who use attachment parenting tools often pull out the “instincts” card. And I am certainly not knocking that, I am a huge supporter of using your instincts while raising your child. If your gut is telling you not to do something that everyone else is doing,I say follow your gut. Unfortunately that is often turned around on us and claims are made that we are not thinking rationally, not looking at the facts. So in those moments when science and my instincts line up it’s worthy of a tiny celebration.

This is certainly one of those times.

parenting, attachment parenting, science

Revolution Health has an interesting service available that shares just how mom friendly each state in the US really is. It’s called MomScore, and you can use it to see how your state ranks on several issues important to the health and wellbeing of moms and children.

Each state is judged on several criteria to determine their overall score.  Access to prenatal care, maternal mortality, risk of pregnancy complications, childcare availability, infant mortality, air quality, violent crime rate, access to health insurance, affordable children’s health insurance, and the state’s mandatory paid leave policies are all picked over and compared to give a breakdown of how the individual states add up. If you are curious as to how they determined the scores you can read their methodology here.

Mississippi comes in last in their score card while Vermont is number one. My own state, Oklahoma, came in near the bottom of the heap at #44 out of 51 states and D.C. Access to prenatal care and health care coverage are ranked as Oklahoma’s worst issues.  I do wonder exactly who they are including in their results of access to prenatal care. Did they count midwives in their numbers? Not that it would add much to OKlahoma, says the mom who had to drive over an hour in labor to get to the nearest midwife, but I wonder if that would increase the scores of other states.

Check out the numbers and see how your state ranks. What other qualifications would you add to the list?

motherhood, parenting

Since I wrote earlier about getting a little more frustrated lately with my kids I wanted to share this list I found online. Positive Parenting: 10 Ways to Relieve the Stress of Childrearing

It’s a great list with ideas like stay rested, admit you aren’t perfect, and (the best in my opinion) learn to laugh. If you can’t laugh over the silly, weird, odd things kids can and will do then be prepared for an early stroke. There are a thousand instances when your only options will be to laugh or scream, choose wisely.

parenting

I’ve noticed some rough spots in my parenting lately, getting frustrated and annoyed far easier than I should. I thought it was the perfect time to pick up a book that I read when my oldest was still a tiny baby, one that definitely helped guide how I wanted to parent. The book is Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times by Zoe Weil.

One of the beliefs I see spoken often in Attachment Parenting circles is that if we raise our children with respect and compassion they will learn to be respectful and compassionate. The opposite is often seen, raise a child with violence and they become violent is one example. So using the qualities we want them to hold is a great stepping stone towards them having those qualities themselves.

There is a story in the book that Weil shares about a boy with some physical and mental disabilities.  The boy loved basebal, and though his father would play in the yard with him, he wanted to play with the other kids on a real team. His father always held him back, afraid of how the other children might treat him. Finally one day he gives in and takes his son to the ball field. Rather than the teasing and torture he was afraid of the boys on both teams cheered the boy on, helped him to hit a home run, and applauded him around the bases.

Some people might roll their eyes at a story like this,  knowing full well how cruel and vicious some children can be. Anyone who has survived Junior High can often attest to it. But there are still moments of compassion left in the world. Look at this news story of a girl who, having finally hit her first home run, blew out her knee and could not run the bases. The opposing team members picked her up and carried her around the bases so that she could have her moment.

I’m not saying any of these children were or were not raised any certain way. Compassion springs forth in the best and worst people people at times. I do hold hope though that by working to share more compassion with my sons, every day, that I am planting seeds for more compassion to trickle out into the world.

parenting, compassion, attachment parenting

I had planned to write about this sooner but kept forgetting. So I apologize for being so late.

Lis Garret is calling for parents to submit articles by May 15th (I told you I was late) for her new online magazine Root and Sprout. If you haven’t visited yet Root and Spout is a great online magazine for parents looking to raise their children in a gentler, saner fashion.

Here at Root & Sprout, we believe the connection between parent and child is what’s most important, and it’s a relationship that grows through mutual love and respect. With gentle, hands-on parenting, we can give our children the necessary roots to help them sprout.

This is just the type of site that I know AP parents would love to have. And being able to share your own advice and stories is just the icing on the cake. As Lis says it does not have to be heavy or deep, just something that you think other parents need to know about. As parents we are all valuable and have some knowledge that someone else out there needs. Why not share it?

To add a little more fun Root and Spout is having a contest right now. Subscribe to the Root & Sprout newsletter between now and May 31st and you will be entered in a drawing to win a Root & Sprout Canvas Tote Bag. Send an email to newsletter@rootandsprout.com with the word “subscribe” in the subject field. Get someone else to sign up, and your name will be entered TWICE. Just tell your friend to say “[insert your name] referred me.”

If you are interested in writing something the deadline for the next (June 15th) edition is June 1st. And after that articles submitted by June 15th will be in the June 29th edition. There is a call for special content for those editions asking for articles on celebrating Independence Day in the US. It could be a great topic for sharing!

writing, parenting, gentle parenting

Preschoolers, they almost beat out teenagers at pushing their parents to the limits. When you need to do A they are dead set on doing B, until you agree to do B and then they want C. It can be frustrating and overwhelming, even for parents trying to raise their children more gently and compassionately.

I have an article up over at Type-A Mom that shares some tips on what to do when your preschooler is pushing all the wrong buttons.  Even if you are not struggling with raising preschoolers or young children I have shared at the bottom of the article a few books that I think are helpful for parents in all age stages.

parenting, preschoolers

What do you think about bribing, rewarding, and treating your children for their actions?

There are two basic schools of thought on this. One says that bribing is fine and works, the other says that bribing is only a short term solution. I fall into the second category, though I have been guilty of bribing and rewarding my kids when need be. For instance getting dressed so we can get somewhere on time.

Like most people I was raised in a bribing and rewarding household. It was not until I was an adult that I even considered the notion that kids could, and would, do things without needing something in return. Though the concept seems logical as an adult, for instance I don’t get treats for doing the dishes, when dealing with children it becomes fuzzy.

It was on an Attachment Parenting board that I first was told about not bribing or rewarding kids. It seemed crazy at first, and I probably argued so at least in my head. Then I sat down with an open mind and listened to what they were saying, and it made sense. Bribing only does little good, and more often does further damage. Or in the words of Alfie Kohn:

“Rewards work!” many parents insist. But work to do what? And at what cost? The answer to the first question is that rewards, like punishments, are extremely effective at getting us one thing and one thing only: temporary obedience. What they can never do, however, is help children become responsible, ethical, decent people.

 

Studies conclude that rewards are ineffective. In the process of writing a book on the subject, I’ve found hundreds of studies showing that rewards are strikingly ineffective at producing lasting change in attitudes or behaviors. Once the rewards run out, people go right back to acting the way they did. And no wonder. Rewards don’t create an enduring commitment to any value or action; they merely change what we do.

For many parents finding their way towards AP ideas like this make sense. When we strive to give our children a solid foundation from which to grow with things such as co-sleeping and baby wearing why would we not also strive to build that foundation in other areas. I have a discussion going on right now on whether bribing works or not. Feel free to pop over and share your thoughts in the comments section, just do so politely please.

parenting, bribing, rewards, children, Alfie Kohn

I know that not all AP parents choose to home school, but many do take that route. For those that do the bonding process and family attachment seem like logical first steps towards homeschooling, often the often misunderstood style of unschooling.

Being an AP parent who chooses to home school my sons as well means that I am often looking for material that fit our lifestyle without being too light in necessary areas. I would say that we are probably 90% unschoolers with a sprinkling of this and that mixed together. A few weeks ago a friend sent me a set of Oak Meadow books for homeschooling parents and I was delighted to read how close the style is to Attachment Parenting.

From what I have read bonding is seen as very important, with touching them and talking with them as valuable parenting traits. Loving our children unconditionally is also stressed, as well as looking deeply at our children and what is truly happening behind the outward appearances we see. Just reading the teacher’s books I can already see why Oak Meadow curriculum is often a huge hit among those who follow Attachment Parenting.

Though I’ve put a pause in reading the books I wanted to share what I’ve read so far. I would definitely recommend this to parents who what some structure, but not too much, in their day. Even families choosing not to home school would gain something from reading one of the main parent’s books: The Heart of Learning. It would be a great resource for understanding how your children are learning and how to help them absorb more from their school.

home school, Oak Meadow, attachment parenting

If you had not heard yet April 30th is National Spank Out day, a day dedicated to helping parents stop for a moment and think about spanking as a form of punishment for children. Most parents who use AP are against spanking and all forms of physical punishment. The respect and bond that we create can be broken by the pain and humiliation of hitting when a child steps out of line.

Many parents spoke up today and shared their thoughts on spanking and hitting. You can visit a running list of those parents at the Thinking Parents Wiki. Definitely check them all out and read their contributions to this topic. It’s still not too late to add in your own also.

You can read my short and to the point post in Spank Out Day where I share my reasons for choosing not to spank.  As well as a little pointing out that discipline does happen without spanking. After too many times of stating “I don’t spank” to have the response be “What, you don’t discipline your kids!” I’ve gotten tired of the idea that spanking and discipline are the same thing. Or even that punishment of any kind is the same as discipline.

If you have a post up about spanking, corporal punishment, or gentle discipline add yourself the the Thinking Parent Wiki page so that others can read it also. And leave me a comment about it also so I can come check it out. Happy National Spank Out Day!

spanking, parenting, discipline, children, National Spank Out Day

I love getting my dose of sanity in my email box with The Daily Groove. Here’s the latest one that I’ve been reading over and over.

:: WWCD: What Would a Child Do? ::

A popular Christian slogan is “WWJD: What Would Jesus Do?” This is an excellent question for Christian parents to ask as Jesus honored children, promoted nonviolence, and embodied unconditional love.

Anyone you consider to be loving and wise can help you connect with your Inner Wisdom in this way:

* What would the Dalai Lama do?
* What would my great aunt Sally do?
* What would Mister Rogers do?
* What would my dog do? (Seriously!)

Another great source of wisdom is *children*, who constantly present us with opportunities to let go of limiting beliefs:

* A child would care more about feeling good than being “right.”
* A child would look for the FUN in every situation.
* A child would be open to miracles.
* A child would be authentic.

Today, include children’s wisdom in your decision-making by asking yourself, “What would a child do?”

So what would you child do when faced with various situations? How would they react to a struggle for something they really want, pressure to be something they are not, or dealing with someone different than them? Go back in time to the innocent toddler years before they were shaped and molded by their environment too much. The answer is most likely a simple one but it gets clouded over.

If you can’t imagine what your child would do why not just ask them? You might be surprised by what you can learn.

parenting

You know what it’s like when you prepare healthy, delicious, good all over food and you kid goes with the candy bar and bottle of soda instead?

If not Arun at The Parenting Pit has a great cartoon up on food freedom and not blowing your top. I’ve been there too often myself, especially when most of my family members seems to think chips count as a veggie. It’s hard not to feel a little crazy when the grandparents are handing them mounds of chocolate candies and their own dad is munching Dorittos on the couch.

Go visit the cartoon and have a little chuckle.

food, humor, parenting, life