The Attached Mother

Vaccinations are a hot topic among parents. On schedule? Delayed? All? Some? None? There are facts and opinions on all sides of the debate that parents should familiarize themselves with. Knowledge is power, blindly following any doctor takes away your power. The same goes for following the makers of the vaccines, or those who get rich off of them.

Setting up a schedule to delay vaccinations or to choose which ones your children will receive can be difficult. There is a lot of information out there to dig through to help you make your decisions.  You should first visit the AAP to see what the “official” schedule for childhood vaccinations is. Then talk with your doctor to see what their schedule is. And if your children are school aged be sure to find out if there are specific vaccinations required for school. Some only require a selected few of all the ones given which may be useful to know if thinking about selective vaccination.

Vaccinations are not just in the realm of attachment parenting, it is a universal debate among all parents. I have giggled to meet moms who choose a standard medical birth, breastfeed for only a few months, never co-sleep, and yet have a delayed vaccination schedule for this children. I have also met co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding moms who use the full vaccine schedule on time.

What ever you choose to do for your children be sure you research the facts first and make a solid decision. You don’t have to do all or nothing, you can choose to turn down the ones that you do not trust or just hold off for a year or two until you feel your child’s body is more able to handle the stress.

vaccinations, vaccines, selective vaccinating

I was online trying to catch up on my overflowing email when one caught my eye. I almost sent it to the spam folder because of the subject line “perfect parents”. Luckily my curiosity made me open it. Instead of the spam I assumed it would be there was a long, angry email from a mom named Tammy. What she laid out was frustration and guilt on how she choose to parent her children verses what she felt was the “perfect parenting” of attachment parenting.

I don’t know her story, or why she felt the way she did. Maybe she had the unfortunate luck to run into an AP parent  who was on a high horse, maybe her own guilt made her read into things what wasn’t there. I don’t know. I do know that she felt extremely hurt in her parenting choices.

I just have to say that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. No matter what style you choose, and there are  the bullies in every area, you will never be a perfect parent. And neither will anyone else. We are all human, subject to mood swings and mistakes and saying things we wish we could take back. Life happens, even to the “perfect parents”.

That said yes many of us are vocal about our parenting styles. We are ecstatic, moved, relieved, and a whole host of other emotions that make us want to shout from the rooftops. When a parent finds something that works they are usually turning jumping jacks in an attempt to tell others. Not because we think we are “perfect” but because we know what it’s like to be in that spot before. If it helps us so much isn’t it worth passing on to other mothers who might find it helps them as well?

AP never claims to be perfect parenting, because that does not exist. Parents who use the tools will fall down just as often as everyone else.

parenting, perfect parent, attachment parenting

I love checking my email and getting my daily dose of parenting sanity via The Daily Groove. The nuggets of gold that I’m sent every day are stored away, saved for when I might need them the most. Today’s nugget seemed timely for recent news.

:: PREsponsive Parenting ::

Raising a child in harmony with human nature is like driving to a distant city. The road isn’t straight, but it’ll get you there.

For example, the road to independence as an adult is via dependence as a baby. Going straight to independence is a disaster.

You know you’ve veered off course when the ride becomes suddenly rough, so you steer back to the smooth road. Responsive parenting is like that: answering a baby’s cries or a child’s aggression with unconditional love and nurturing.

But when driving, you *rarely* veer off the road. You stay *centered* in your lane for a smooth ride! You stay *attuned* to the road, so you can adjust course BEFORE you veer off.

In other words, you can PREspond!

Today, if you hit a rough spot with your child, be REsponsive, but also consider how you might have PREsponded, and refine your attunement accordingly.

Pleasure-oriented PREsponsiveness can turn your parenting journey into a JOYride!

As I read this I wondered where some parents missed the curve in the road and failed to PREspond to their children, sailing off the road and continuing down the side of the mountain. The parents I mean are the ones of these girls.

If you haven’t heard the story yet, a group of cheerleaders ambushed another girl and beat her. All the while recording the attack, happily, to show off their inhumanity on the internet.  Apparently this is something to be proud of. Somewhere along the road these girls got the message that violence is not only OK, but fun. Somewhere along the road to adulthood they were taught that ganging up on another human being was a moment to be proud of.

I wonder whether they were taught empathy, respect, or understanding. (more…)

I read an interesting article about the book Parenting, Inc. The book deals with what many people deal with the high cost of parenting in today’s culture. A thousand and one items, classes, and toys that parents are expected to buy quickly adds up. Parents to surrender to the marketing ploys can quickly spend a small fortune on their children.

From ergonomic strollers, to sleep consultants, to professional potty training, child rearing has become a very big business. Author Pamela Paul discusses her new book, Parenting, Inc. and the aggressive marketing aimed at new moms and dads.

“Sometimes, spending a lot on children isn’t just unnecessary; it’s counterproductive,” Paul writes. “Every parent I know is struggling to figure out how to afford a family without succumbing to the spiral of consumption that characterizes modern parenthood.”

For some the bills begin piling up before the baby is even born. There are so many things being marketed to new parents. Strollers, cribs, swings, special chairs, vibrating toys that plays ocean sounds and attaches to the crib. If you can dream it up there is someone ready to sell it to you. I learned the hard way how to have a new baby and save money, but soon even if you do all you can not to spend a fortune on your infant soon enough the toddler stage kicks in.

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There area few celebrity moms that I just love. Gwen Stephani being one. From her stylish sling that Kingston got to rock (and hopefully number 2 will enjoy as well) to her breastfeeding comments, Gwen has just stood out to me as a mom I would love to know. Angelina Jolie was another mom who wore her kids and loves co-sleeping. Family snuggles in the bed are so relaxing. Charlotte Church is another mom who’s homebirthing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping attitude made me smile.

Unfortunately not all celeb moms feel the same way. There are some who think it is perfectly fine to hand their newborns over to someone else while they jump back into their careers or begin training for marathons.  I know that many say all mothers are attached, but sometimes I wonder about some mothers. How attached are you when you can say “OK, here you go, I’ve got to get back to the gym now”. Marathon training isn’t just half an hour or an hour every other day. That is a huge piece of your time, time that your children are not getting.

I’m just sad that instead of spending time with her newborn twins she’s spending time with a personal trainer. Rather than make her kids proud by being a good mother she wants to make them proud by being in good shape.

Yes we’re all mothers, and yes we should support each other as mothers. But that does not mean we have to agree with or even like what other mothers choose to do. And we can be vocal in our opposition while still not taking away their right to make those kinds of choices.

So what celeb moms do you look up to? Which ones are influential in all the right ways?

parenting, attachment parenting, celebrity moms, celebrities

Part of using AP on older children is treating them like their own selves, accepting their “authentic self” as it is sometimes said. That can mean not saying “You don’t really mean that” when they say something you are uncomfortable with. Accepting that they have their own unique needs and wants that may conflict with your own, and instead of trying to force them into your plans finding a way to compromise. Yes, even with a young child.

My preschooler has been in a phase lately. it’s the “I hate you” phase, one that is not uncommon among preschoolers. Though, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t break a mother’s heart to hear it.  Hearing my child say that took the wind out of me for several days. Then I stopped and thought. When a newborn cries we respond to that crying and try to give them what they need, even if what they need is just to be held and loved while they cry. Often some people will say the baby is “manipulating” you with their crying, but for most using attachment parenting we believe in looking at the child’s need rather than our adult interpretation of their actions.

The same can be said of preschoolers. When I whined about my son throwing his “I hate you” emotions at me after a sleep over I had some people ask what I thought was different to cause such a reaction. I took a day to think about it and realized the underlying meaning of his words and emotions, rather than reacting to the verbal display. Just as a baby cried to tell you they need something, a preschooler may shout “I hate you!” to tell you that they need something as well. Here is my email responce.

Different rules, different kids, different toys, a bit of everything. Thinking about it now, after putting my wretched heart back in place, I think the big issue is he’s slow to change. It takes a couple hours to adjust from sleep to wake, at least an hour at the park before leaving my side to go play. The sudden change of there to here is probably too much for him. If they could come play here for an hour when they dropped him off it would likely go a lot smoother.

He wasn’t reacting to the fact that he was back home, but to the sudden adjustment of being dropped off with a quick goodbye.  Dr. Sears says

AP is responsive parenting. By becoming sensitive to the cues of your infant, you learn to read your baby’s level of need. Because baby trusts that his needs will be met and his language listened to, the infant trusts in his ability to give cues. As a result, baby becomes a better cue-giver, parents become better cue-readers, and the whole parent-child communication network becomes easier.

I think that for parents of older children this is one tool of AP that they should keep in their belt.  Respond to your child, listen to their cues/words/shouts, and keep the communication open. And if you completely mess up, don’t worry. Kids will always just repeat the action until you get it right.

parenting, preschoolers, life, attachment parenting

Jenny McCarthy has been one of the most outspoken Celeb moms on autism, since her own son was diagnosed in 2005. She has talked openly about her challenges when her son was diagnosed and her struggles towards a cure for her son’s condition. Though not everyone feels that autism is something that can be cured, Jenny’s son has made amazing improvements that seem to support her research.

With the recent ruling that vaccines attributed to Hannah Pollig’s autism Jenny spoke out again on autism and her son Evan for CNN.com. Through diet and detox Jenny was able to help her son recover and regain things that were lost to him before. But she feels that changes need to be made before instances of autism occur rather than trying to help the children recover later.

We believe autism is an environmental illness. Vaccines are not the only environmental trigger, but we do think they play a major role. If we are going to solve this problem and finally start to reverse the rate of autism, we need to consider changing the vaccine schedule, reducing the number of shots given and removing certain ingredients that could be toxic to some children.

We take into account that some children have reactions to medicines like penicillin, for example, yet when it comes to vaccines we are operating as if our kids have a universal tolerance for them. We are acting like ONE SIZE FITS ALL. That is, at the very least, a huge improbability.

To see a short clip of Jenny talking about her son, and fighting back some tears, visit here at Mom Logic. I would also recommend reading The Next Big Autism Bomb: Are 1 in 50 Kids Potentially At Risk? It is certainly something worth thinking about. Jenny will also be on Larry King Live tonight discussing autism. You can visit the site and vote in a poll on whether you feel vaccines are linked to autism.

Be sure to head over to Discussing Autism for more information and some great discussion on this topic. To keep the conversation going on check out her list of the best autism blogs and share with other people living with autism or an autistic child. Also head over to Momologue who is keeping the autism discussion going on all month. To see the list of who is joining her this month and toss your own hat into the ring visit here.

autism, curing autism, Jenny McCarthy

I read an interesting article over the weekend on how people come to their parenting style. There are so many different parenting viewpoints, and even more grey areas in between that use bits of this and bits of that. How we get to our respective places in parenting is an interesting topic. (Parenting styles: How do you choose?)

I am curious how parents who follow attachment parenting came to do so. Was something you always knew you would do? Did you fall into it on accident? Did you try various things until you found what worked? Or was it just a slow gradual change as you parented your children?

For me it was a slow change, but one that I already had roots in. I knew there were things I wanted to do differently than how I had been raised. There were also choices that I had made that seemed to fall more in line with families using attachment parenting than others. It started with my oldest son’s natural birth and our breastfeeding relationship. When I began seeking out others who felt as I did I began to find that the books and people that I agreed with also advocated things such as co-sleeping and baby-wearing. It wasn’t long before I found myself immersed in Mothering Magazine and Dr. Sears.

My ideas certainly changed a lot over time. Things that I swore I would never do when my oldest was an infant now I couldn’t imagine not doing. As I became more confident in myself as a parent it became easier to buck social norms for what felt right to me. I grew into a person who loved using the tools of attachment parenting, and from there grew into natural family living. As my children grow I am still changing and adjusting and growing into the parenting I want to be.

attachment parenting, parenting, motherhood

Almost along a similar line as my post earlier, Parenting and Brain Development, I read a post on holding toddlers and the benefits and wanted to share. The post is at Pajama Mommy but is actually a guest post by Joanne Baum, PhD., LCSW of Respectful Parenting.

From the post “Pick Me Up Mommy” Ten Reasons to Hold Your Toddler:

They need reassurance that where their brains are taking them is safe. They need more explanations of the new encounters they don’t understand. And they need holding and nurturing so they feel safe and can go back out there and explore some more…

My personal favorite reason is #7 because you can apply that to more than just holding your toddler. Co-sleeping until the child is ready to move on, extended breastfeeding, and comforting their cries when they need it helps build a sense of security that grows. Despite the common myth that doing these things will prevent a child from becoming independent, what many see if a child who feels safe and therefore more comfortable seeking out independence.

Parents are feeding their child’s self-esteem, confidence, trust, and sociability by holding them when they ask for it.

Go read the rest of the list and then check out Respectful Parenting to see what other gems might be hidden there.

parenting, toddlers, attachment parenting, blogs, links

I mentioned last week that having support is a huge benefit to parents practicing attachment parenting. Unfortunately many people live in areas where there might not be a lot of local support for parents to have. Where I live most people have never heard of attachment parenting, or see it as something negative based on stereotypes rather than what it is for. That is why having an online support team can be a huge benefit. People who can give encouragement and advice from the same view point as you. One place where parents can connect with others is Attachment Parenting International.

Attachment Parenting International (API), a non-profit organization that promotes parenting practices that create strong, healthy emotional bonds between children and their parents, has several exciting changes they would like to announce, including:

• A newly redesigned web site and new logo at Attachment Parenting.org;
• Attachment parenting worldwide support forums;
• Parent Education Program - a comprehensive series of classes for every stage and age of child development from infancy through adulthood;
• A new book based on API’s Eight Principles of Attachment Parenting by API co-founders Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson which is expected to be available this summer;
• A series of podcasts, webinars, chats, and forums with API Advisory Board members and other supporters of AP. Future events are scheduled with Dr. Bob Sears, Dr. James McKenna, and Kathleen Kendall Tacket. Check out the events page for more information.

These are just a few of many exciting things going on at API. I hope you’ll stop by and check it out for yourself.

parenting, attachment parenting

Part of my post on Friday about Cry It Out for babies mentioned that their brains are changed by the stress hormones that flood the brain when crying. Thinking more about it over the weekend reminded me of a recent comic by Hathor. The comic dealt with the love hormones that are released during a normal birth and how those hormones are not being released when births are hindered. She asks what are the effects on infants who are born without this flood of hormones. Does it change their brains? Expand that out to the vast majority of people who were born in medicalized, hindered environments. What does that mean for society as a whole?

I am one who has always felt that Mother Nature knows what she is doing. That things evolve or change to be a certain way because it is beneficial, at the very least beneficial in that it does not kill too many of the population. The natural release of oxytocin during labor helps protect a baby’s brain during labor. The stress hormones from crying can damage a baby’s brain.

Research often shows that though children are born with all of the brain cells they will need the connections are not yet there. It is during the first 3 years of a child’s life that the majority of those connections develop. If the brain is flooded with stress hormones and deprived of love hormones, how does that effect how the child will grow? If an entire nature is full of people like this, how does the nation go? What does it mean for our future?

brain development, infants, parenting

Yesterday I read a great post called The Damage of Cry it out and Controlled Crying. Cry it out, or CIO, is one of the hot topic issues surrounding attachment parenting. Most are generally against it, feeling that leaving an infant to cry interferes with the bond and attachment between parent and child. Rather than teaching a child to sleep on their own, many opposed to CIO feel that this teaches the child that crying is useless and that their needs will not be met by their care givers. Some feel that the babies do not learn to fall asleep, but rather give up hope and surrender to being left alone at night.

This article looks at what happens long after CIO is used, on whether or not it affects the child well into childhood and the adult years. It is an interesting thing to look at. Of course most people step in with the “I was/did and I’m just fine.” However “just fine” is difficult to measure as it varies from person to person. One person’s “just fine” may be another’s miserable. I have also noticed that many people, when they feel on the defensive, will exaggerate to which ever degree they need. For example a person complaining about being unhealthy, when confronted with the possibility that their diet plays a part in that, will suddenly be “just fine”.

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A new website for attachment parenting and natural family living is under construction right now, but looks great so far. Closer to Nature is a new site being put together by Associated Content writer Heather B. Closer to Nature has a great collection of articles already on site on babywearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping, and more. The writers being collected are a very knowledgeable bunch with a lot of great information to share. And I’m not just saying that because my articles are being linked.

There is also a forum for Closer to Nature readers to go to and discuss parenting with like minded people. Or you can join in the chat room for real time discussion on attachment parenting and natural family living.

You can read Heather’s own words about her new site Closer to Nature here and get a feel for what this site will bring to the attachment parenting community online. If you are interested in having some of your articles shared on the site read the writing requirements first. Remember the site is still under construction, I am sure in the coming weeks there will be so much more coming on. I would love to see a Pipe created where readers can share their own AP/NFL posts via del.icio.us or a way to share favorite articles.

For a new site it still seems to have gotten off to a great start. I hope you all will check out Closer to Nature and the articles shared there yourself.

attachment parenting, natural family living, Closer to Nature, website, parenting, writing

To some people attachment parenting means following a set of rules like dogma. Many sometimes feel ashamed when they cannot follow every single tenet set out for them, and others practice what is in truth attachment parenting yet rail out against it because they see the label as something more than just a label.

But what is the point of attachment parenting, what are the goals? While things such as breastfeeding and co-sleeping are the tools we use they are not the whole  of what it entails.  Attachment parenting is more than just the sum of it’s parts. To Dr. Sears

“Attachment parenting is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents.”

It is following your instincts and your child’s cues, feeding their need for dependence so that they become more confident and independent, to show empathy in order to teach it, and to just do what is easiest for that family. The reasons why and the goals are all different and the tools used to get there vary. But what matters is the smile on their child’s face.

I loved this post I read over the weekend called Kitchen Love.  Not only is the photo at the top absolutely adorable, but the sentiments she shared are wonderful. She talks about being with them, really with them in eye contact and conversation and sharing. It is a prefect example of attachment parenting that doesn’t need the 7 rules. Just sharing precious time together rather than shooing them off to play shows the connection she has to her children. The goals are quite clear here.

So pull your little one up to the bathroom counter as you put on your makeup. Give her brushes and clips to play with, and have a little love-chat. Maybe one day, when she’s having a tough day 14 years later, she’ll seat herself up there.

attachment parenting, parenting

I read this post on Attachment parenting guilt and thought it deserved to be shared. Sometimes we have this ideal image in our minds of what we are supposed to be doing, an ideal that can lead to a whole lot of guilt and resentment when we fail to live up to our own expectations. We are just parents after all.

But one important point was mentioned in the comments. Family support. Here in the US we are isolated as we care for our kids. For stay at home moms they are usually the lone caregiver, expected to handle everything by themselves without breaking a sweat. It is an expectation that is really too much for any lone person to meet.

In many other cultures raising children is a family affair. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, they all live either with each other or extremely close. Families raise their children with their entire family. It is easier to give yourself so much to your child when you know that there are several close relatives a few steps away more than willing to step in and help. Instead of trying to care for your children in solitude you have a group effort.

I think this is important for parents who are struggling with Attachment parenting to know.  You cannot do this alone, despite what our culture suggests. If you do not have family near by willing and able to help find friends who can join you during the day. It benefits them as much as it does you as coming together helps care for all the children, and nurtures the mothers as well.

family, extended family, Attachment parenting, parenting, mothers