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Crying It Out

by Summer M.

crying baby - Richard Sweet

Yesterday I read a great post called The Damage of Cry it out and Controlled Crying. Cry it out, or CIO, is one of the hot topic issues surrounding attachment parenting. Most are generally against it, feeling that leaving an infant to cry interferes with the bond and attachment between parent and child. Rather than teaching a child to sleep on their own, many opposed to CIO feel that this teaches the child that crying is useless and that their needs will not be met by their care givers. Some feel that the babies do not learn to fall asleep, but rather give up hope and surrender to being left alone at night.

This article looks at what happens long after CIO is used, on whether or not it affects the child well into childhood and the adult years. It is an interesting thing to look at. Of course most people step in with the “I was/did and I’m just fine.” However “just fine” is difficult to measure as it varies from person to person. One person’s “just fine” may be another’s miserable. I have also noticed that many people, when they feel on the defensive, will exaggerate to which ever degree they need. For example a person complaining about being unhealthy, when confronted with the possibility that their diet plays a part in that, will suddenly be “just fine”.

Of course some research has shown that leaving a young infant to cry causes distress which can disrupt normal brain development.

Some experts warn that allowing a baby to “cry it out” causes extreme distress to the baby. And such extreme distress in a newborn has been found to block the full development of certain areas of the brain and causes the brain to produce extra amounts of cortisol, which can be harmful. [link]

It would stand to reason that the initial damage could cause lasting effects well into adulthood. A person may feel that they are “just fine” simple because they have never known a time without the changes in their brain. Much as person who became blind shortly after birth would have a different perception than someone who became blind much later in life. The change is still present, but one has had longer to adapt to it.

The effect cortisol has on the brain during periods of stress are clear. From The Con of Controlled Crying:

English psychotherapist, Sue Gerhardt, author of Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain, explains that when a baby is upset, the hypothalamus produces cortisol. In normal amounts cortisol is fine, but if a baby is exposed for too long or too often to stressful situations (such as being left to cry) its brain becomes flooded with cortisol and it will then either over- or under-produce cortisol whenever the child is exposed to stress. Too much cortisol is linked to depression and fearfulness; too little to emotional detachment and aggression.

Psychiatrist Jan Hunt in her article on the Hidden Messages we sent to children by our parenting actions shows what message we may be sending with CIO.

What we say: “You can cry all you want, I’m not going to pick you up again!”

What we think: “This is breaking my heart but all those experts can’t be wrong.”

What the child thinks: “They don’t love me. They don’t care about my suffering. Mommy Is perfect, so there must be something wrong with me. l must not be worthy of anybody’s love.”

What we say twenty years later: “What on earth do you see in Tom? How can you let him treat you like that? Don’t you know you deserve better than that?”

Many attached parents are opposed to cry it out methods because of the emotional response it brings. As more research is done it may become clear that CIO is more damaging that we believed.

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4 Responses to “Crying It Out”

  1. Carrie Says:

    For the first few months of my son’s life I was all about the attachment parenting. I breastfed, co-slept, the works. As my son got older he developed an erratic sleep schedule that nothing seemed to fix and I just could no longer sleep with him all of the time (I lack the ability to take day time naps which he demanded of me). So we decided that controlled crying was worth a try. I hated it at first. My baby was crying, something must be wrong until I started listening to the cry. He wasn’t scared or lonely. It wasn’t the “I’m dying” cry. He was mad. Just mad. He was 10 months and he just wasn’t sleeping. Correcting his sleep issues which could cause developmental delays in the long run out weigh the possible emotional issues he could face twenty years from now. I do not think a few nights of crying in infancy is what causes problems in adulthood but rather the lifetime parenting of the child. There could be a pattern of instances throughout a child’s life that lead to emotional issues rather than a few days or even weeks of crying.

    My son has GERD. He never cries for long just enough to know that he isn’t allowed to sleep in the big bed. If he is teething or feeling ill we go back to the co-sleeping and attachment parenting. When he is healthy and being his stubborn little self 20 minutes of crying is not going to hurt him. It is when you ignore the very nature of the cry, the “I’m hurt” or “I’m sick” cry that you encounter and cause problems.

    My son is incredibly attached to me. He follows me around like a lost puppy during the day and gives me little baby hugs. I don’t think our relationship has diminished in the least and now he sleeps better. I have a happier, more well rested child because he spent a few nights crying(with my husband and I constantly checking on him).

  2. Weekly Round Up Says:

    [...] shared my thoughts on Cry It Out and the possible dangers at The Attached [...]

  3. Megan Says:

    When I tried the cry it out method I was very protective of it too…saying that its working…I’m getting time to myself…my baby is more happy now than before.

    It was not until I worked with Elizabeth Pantley’s ideas and the Sears ideas that I really began to understand about children and their sleep as well as children and their needs for development.

    I also understand what to look for when I do miss the cues of my baby and the “fallout” of missing these needs.

    I am also beinging to see/read my family friends and people around me and figure out how their childhood was to how they are now behaving in adult life…very interesting and if you want a bit of fun too.
    Thank you

  4. The Attached Mother » Blog Archive » Thoughts On Parenting And Infant Brain Development Says:

    [...] On Parenting And Infant Brain Development by Summer M. Part of my post on Friday about Cry It Out for babies mentioned that their brains are changed by the stress hormones that flood the brain when [...]

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About The Attached Mother

The Attached Mother is about the real-life experiences of an attachment parenting mom. Allison writes about her parenting ideals such as co-sleeping, gentle discipline, child-led weaning, baby wearing and how she applies them with her three young sons.

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