The Attached Mother

When people think of AP’ers and parents who practice gente discpline, they tend to get a mental picture of a sugary-sweet mom asking “little Johnny” if he feels like behaving well today.  They picture parents who will attempt to make their children happy at any cost to themselves or others.

This, my friends, is not attachment parenting, nor is it gentle discipline.  As a mother it is not my job  to keep my children happy.  It is not my job to shield them from every disappointment that comes their way.  It is not my job to give them a steady source of everything they want.

It is my job to understand my child; to see his point of view in each situation.  I have to be proactive by not putting my child into situations that he cannot handle.  To be a good parent, I have to understand my child’s limitations due to age and circumstances and not force my child to do things that he is not capable of doing.

The real difference between an AP parent and an authoritarian parent looks something like this:  The AP parent would make an appointment at a time when she knows her child will not be tired or hungry.  She will prepare for the appointment by bringing along appropriate things to keep her child occupied while waiting.  When the child complains, the mother will express understanding and sympathy that waiting is indeed difficult and offer pre-planned, appropriate activities to fill the time.  Before the appointment she has discussed appropriate behaviour with her child and her child knows what is expected of him or her and why that behaviour is appropriate.

The authoritarian parent might make an appointment at the most convinient time for herself, regardless of her child’s needs.  She would expect her child to sit quietly and not complain about the wait.  She would become agigtated with any misbehaviour and likely threaten punishment.  There would be no understanding of the child’s feelings or she would simply not care to see things from the child’s point of view.

So, maybe you’re a little more attached and gentle than you thought. huh?  Attachment parenting is not some group of exclusive parents who coddle their children.  We simply use common sense and kindness to raise healthy (physically and emotionally) children.  We aren’t perfect parents.  In our less than stellar moments, we might yell or spank.  We get irritated with childish antics just like the next parent.  We have an ideal, however, that requires us to overcome shortfalls and realize when the problem lies with us as parents instead of blaming our frustration on our children.  We believe that discipline equates to teaching and not punishment.