The Attached Mother

Most babies have separation anxiety at some point.  For my boys, after about three months of age, no one else could hold them except me or my husband.  Leaving them with someone else was out of the question until my older two were around two years old and my youngest, only recently around 18 months (and it always helps to leave a big brother or two with him to show that it’s okay).

Now, I understand that many attached moms refuse to leave a crying baby for any reason.  If you don’t have a reason and you can help it, then that’s fine. Something that I’ve learned with several years of parenting under my belt is that sometimes you don’t have a choice.  Other times you simply need a break in order to be a  better mother.

If you’re hard core AP, then you’d probably like to tell me a thing or two right now.  Simmer down. You?  Used to be me.  I understand your point.

So, my new theory about leaving a child during the separation anxiety phase is as follows.  Babies and toddlers with a good attachment to a caregiver need that caregiver to let them know what is safe and what is not.  If you attempt to leave your baby or toddler in the church nursery or with a baby-sitter, they can’t understand when you say, “It’s fine, mommy will be right back.”  No amount of consoling is going to keep them from crying when you walk out the door.

What’s a mother to do if she has no choice but to leave her anxious baby with another caregiver?

If you will be leaving your baby with a baby-sitter, spend some time beforehand letting your baby play with the sitter without you leaving the room.  You can do this several times.

Distraction is key.  Get your toddler started playing and sneak out.  Yes, I said it.  You can either let them see you go and hear them scream or you can leave them when they are happy.  While you are helping your child find something to occupy them, tell them good-bye and that you will be back.  Be nonchalant about it.  I don’t believe in leaving a child without at least saying good-bye and promising to return.  However, you don’t have to say the words and then vanish.  Keep playing until you can make a quiet, unnoticeable exit.

Make sure your caregiver understands how important attachment parenting is to you.  Let her know that you want your toddler held and cuddled no matter why he’s crying.  Tell the caregiver your tips and tricks for soothing your child.

Of course, I believe that leaving a child when it’s necessary is, well, unnecessary.  I’ve never been able to leave my baby or toddler when he is upset to see me go-unless I am leaving him with his father.  I understand how difficult it is to leave a crying child.  However, the tips I’ve listed have helped me to be able to leave my children for short amounts of time at younger ages.  My 18 month old will now push away from me to get down and play when I take him to the kids’ center at my gym.  He is a little more independent than his brothers were, but still I am happy to know that he feels safe enough to let me go.

Having worked with babies and toddlers for several years in a preschool setting, I can tell you that even when you leave your child crying, they usually stop within minutes and carry on as if nothing is amiss.  With the right actions and reassurance from the caregiver, they are soothed and have fun.  A few children who are higher needs may not do so well, but your care giver should always let you know if your child continues to cry or if his or her upset turns to panic.